Entries from May 2009 ↓

SilverSonic XL, one of many of the same product that works as a small overear audio amplifier (so, a hearing aid shaped like a bluetooth headset).

The ad asks the question “Do you wish you had sonic hearing?”

That is not a misquote.

Sonic hearing.

son·ic (snk)
adj.
1. Of or relating to audible sound: a sonic wave.
2. Having a speed approaching or being that of sound in air, about 1,220 kilometers (760 miles) per hour at sea level.
3. Slang Extremely exciting and fast-paced: a sonic lifestyle.

Do you wish you had hearing related to audible sounds? Do you wish your hearing had a speed approaching that of 1,220 KMPH? Do you consider hearing a lifestyle?

Unless you’re deaf, this commecial is selling you WHAT YOU ALREADY HAVE.

I wish I could make this angrier, but the only way to do that is start typing “DAMNIT DAMNIT FUCK” for several pages. I say typing because copy-pasting doesn’t release the fury I feel right now. So just envision R Lee Ermy neckpunching someone, and you’ll know how I feel.

Oh, and after, it says “The SilverSonic XL is discreet, so nobody will know you have sonic hearing!”

Why are there tons of writers, good ones, who can’t find jobs in advertising, but that idiot did? Also, why isn’t he currently being stabbed with a pen?

Remember when it used to be a channel with educational programming? They’d show operations, talk about history, medicine, all sorts of general knowledge.

What happened?

At any given point, TLC has become Lifetime 2, the sluttier, less informed little sister of the original. You know the one, the really cheery one who’s always pregnant and never stops gossiping, then says something REALLY stupid. At any given time (really, go ahead and check this yourself) TLC is running one of threefour things.(Edited because yep, somehow I’d left that at three. Thanks for the hate, MxMx)

Jon and Kate Plus 8
I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant
A Baby Story
Little People, Big World

You’ll also catch a ton of What Not To Wear and Say Yes To The Dress, or Wild Weddings. Plenty of Table for Twelve and Five under 5 too.

So what’s our common theme? Baby baby baby small people who we project child-like tendencies onto marriage marriage baby baby.

ONE of these shows has some educational value, and not much, but fashion is something one learns at least, so What Not To Wear has a mildly redeeming value if you put a gun to my head, but barely raises itself from the absolute ticking biological clock glurge of clown car vaginas and worn out uteri.

Protip:Most of these families are not good people. Especially Jon and Kate. It’s very clear the latter is a HORRIBLY controlling person, probably would be abusive if not for cameras, and just look at the hair. It screams “control freak.” I never knew hair could do that, but there it is. Well, that or “MASSIVELY BIPOLAR”, with the long on one side, short on the other, shaved in back. It’s a haircut that allows her just enough to look feminine, but the rest will do exactly what she wants and fuck you if you disobey while screaming “PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!”.

Okay, maybe that’s a little far, but I doubt it. And I digress.

Wait, nevermind, it’s not. UPDATE FOR THE LULZ from Us Weekly:

Kate Gosselin says her spiky bob hairstyle reflects her feisty personality. “It’s my attitude! Everybody wants it. It’s work,” she tells Entertainment Weekly. “I have very, very thick hair, so it’s not going to work for everybody,” she says. “I’ve seen people come through the book line with thin hair and it just won’t work. My hair stylist gets calls from all across the country.”

The Learning Channel sucks. I don’t want to watch horrible people who got famous for a lack of self-control and condoms all day, I don’t want to see catty fashion talk(if I did, I’d watch Ugly Betty). I want learning, not overpopulation.

TLC, either change your format back, or change your name to Lifetime 2. Your call, but you can’t keep the name and the programming, it’s false advertising.

I’m not generally one to get up in arms about American Idol, aside from the fact I say “Seriously?” once a year or so at the end.

So in fact I’m not at all surprised about the fact Adam Lambert is going to win American Idol, though I figured he’d be beating Allison at least in the finals (another bad call, America!). I mean, personally, I was down with Anoop, who had the best stage presence and vocal growth of anyone on the show, but she seemed like the obvious second.

I’m just surprised he got beyond the auditions at all, and I’m surprised just how popular he is beyond the screaming girls demographic (PS-He’s probably gay, what with the video of him kissing other guys, but hey, maybe just emosexual, because no self-respecting gay man should be caught looking like he does).

Now I always expect them to vote for David Cook or Sanjaya, I do. But Adam Lambert is inexplicably popular beyond them. And beyond middle aged housewives who loved Taylor Hicks and Clay Aiken.

I can’t figure out why.

Adam has performed the same thing every week. He’s never experimented with an arrangement. He’s never taken a risk, he’s never tested his range. He’s never sung with any emotion whatsoever, but he does always look like he’s going to cry. Never any other expression during a song, though.

With absolute consistency, Adam has sang in the same range every week, usually as close to the original arrangement as possible. He’s hit all the notes certainly, I won’t fault him for being a little pitchy, dog. He’s right on key. He’s robotically on key, even, as if during the song, his only thought is “am I on key?” It likely is. And then he ends the song with an extended high note. And that’s nice for him that he can sing in the Mariah Carey range, but even she doesn’t have to go there in every song.

But the bigger issue is the total lack of emotion. I know emo kids only feel when they cut themselves, but I thought they still expressed themselves badly via music. He doesn’t. Adam Lambert has the emotional impact of Celine Dion. Pretty words, pretty notes, but completely lacking any soul. The ultimate proof came when he covered Ring of Fire. Nobody would say Johnny Cash was famous for hitting tricky notes. Johnny Cash was great because his songs had real emotion and feeling behind them, and even Adam’s biggest fans thought it was a horrible performance. He hit all the notes, he stayed on key, he performed the song fine. But it was hollow, and for once, it was obvious to everyone.

And that’s how it always is. It’s a performance for Adam, a series of notes to sing. As long as they’re on pitch, it doesn’t matter to him, and sadly, it doesn’t matter to most of the audience. As long as he looks ready to cry and he struts, they’ll eat it up, even though it’s the same thing he sang last week.

When his album comes out, it’s going to end up sounding like one song with high notes every three minutes, but until people hear him without seeing him, they won’t figure it out. Nobody will ever be moved by anything he writes or sings, but it’ll all be very pretty and easy to listen to. Just like Celine Dion.

And he’ll make his money on awful ballads that suddenly end with huge notes at the end. Just like Celine Dion.

And he’ll marry the guy who’s twice his age and produced his records, writing annoying songs about him with him. Say it with me now…

Just like Celine Dion!

Seeking an experienced individual with excellent writing and research skills to assist in the preparation of an e-business plan. E-business, E-Learning and sports experience helpful.

Because they think this sort of thing means anything, and is relevant.

Also, because they can’t decide on capitalization.

How about you go E-fuck yourself, because you don’t know what you’re E-talking about? Aside from e-mail, which actually has a meaning still, E is just another meaningless prefix that’s out of date.

Clearly, they need to hire people to prepare in an iBusiness plan, persons with iBusiness and iLearning experience. Information superhighway experience on the world wide web a bonus!