Entries from June 2009 ↓

Cox commercials are certainly known for being shitty. Low budget, misleading, usually starring the wife of whoever was around (this is completely true, historically Cox Commercials have used the wife of someone). Lately Cox has made an effort to have a budget, license some really really shitty indie songs, and be appealing.

Now they just have stupidity on a higher budget.

I just saw a commercial that said “Dish Network’s commercial may tell you “come on, get happy”, but what they don’t tell you is they’ve raised their prices for the last nine years. But Cox gives you hundreds of channels and no extra charge for high definition!” The latter is a lie, as you’re forced to pay for a more expensive cable box (7 dollars worth, in fact, which is the price of most additional tiers). However, that’s not important.

“We’re describing the price raises of the competitor, but we’re not going to actually talk about prices even though we used “but” to indicate a comparison.”

This might have something to do with the fact Cox has also raised prices for the last nine years, and dish network has those same hundreds of channels.

Once again, fuck marketers and their abuse of all common sense, as in reality the commercial should be “Dish network raises their prices! But so do we! So you’re screwed no matter what!”

Well look who’s back! So fast. This time, I got an email with the subject line “PLEASE SOMEONE KILL STEVE JOBS.” Yes, it’s our batshit friend from before, and a few things I’m noticing. The name is initialed as STD. Heehee. The switch in tone is so rapid and strange that I can’t decide if I should call troll on this, or if we’re talking about the next Timecube. This one is much, MUCH longer than the last one, so I’ll give you a teaser, and the rest is after the cut.

BRITNEY IS MINE!!!

Dear Scientists,
IF YOU DO NOT COMPLY WITH THIS ORDER
YOU WILL BE KILLED SOON.

You as a scientist bare the responsibility to save
humanity, the code to infinity as been cracked and i
am here to give you the data.

Continue reading →

This one is dedicated to my friends suffering through it daily in retail.

Read the god damn signs around you. They’re everywhere, and they’re important. Not just stop signs. Signs that say “this item cannot be returned”, “please do not leave movies here”, or signs that have a price on them.

Just a few hours ago, I visited a Pizza Hut, wherein the man in line in front of me kept pointing to items on the display in front of the counter and asking how much they were. “How much are the pizza rolls? How much is the pizza mia?” His finger, each time, touched the price clearly displayed on said sign while the man behind the counter had to figure out what he was pointing at. Turns out that light doesn’t bend around the pointer’s finger and reflect back to the clerk’s eyes so he can magically see what’s being poked on the other side of the counter.

This isn’t uncommon, of course. When I worked at a video store, once a day I’d have someone walk up to the display for used movies and ask how much they cost. Each movie was not only individually labelled with a very large sticker on the front, but the sign above them said “$14.99, 2 for $25!” And yet, they asked. Truly when Clerks asked “How much are these muffins?” Kevin Smith was channeling the frustrations of everyone to work a register.

Every day, people put videos in front of the sign that says “Do not place movies here, place them in drop box”, or more often, they’d look at the sign and just reach around it to drop movies on the other side, a behavior I always found pretty unexplainable. Some ridiculous “rules don’t apply to me” sense of entitlement?

A few weeks ago, my doctor, my DOCTOR, was guilty of this. A woman who performed surgery on my toe couldn’t read a sign in front of her.

You see, the video store I worked at has an outside, drive-through drop box, but it’s in a very bad neighborhood. Someone destroyed the lock and access panel, so we taped the drop-slot up, put a sign that says “Do not use, out of order” in front of it. Rather than read the words on this paper and tape blocking her from using the drop-box, she tore it off. Three days later when informed her movies haven’t been returned (because they couldn’t be removed from the box), she chose to start yelling at the cashier and manager. Apparently, she was “doing a million things at once and didn’t have time to read fucking sign.” I’m concerned that one of these things was driving, certainly, but she had time to rip off the sign and tape. Because she’s special, like everyone else ignoring a sign.

And that’s a doctor. Someone who I’ve personally witness cut open a part of my body and remove things.

How do these people survive? How do they keep jobs or businesses? How do they not get hit in traffic? Are they the ones who just keep rolling when they turn right from a side street to a main street, forcing you to slam the brakes?

Please, people. Start looking at the signs around you. It’ll not only make everyone not hate you, but you just might live longer.

Of course, it’s never the idiot who dies, is it? So please, read the signs around you so the person who deserves to live gets to. And so he doesn’t spend 15 minutes waiting on your dumb ass to ask how much everything you’re touching costs, despite the fact your thumb is on the sticker that tells you.

Oh, and take a sign into the office to make sure your doctor isn’t totally oblivious on the job. You don’t want a nicked artery.

The best part of owning a website isn’t those fat stacks of cash (ha, there aren’t any!), it’s the ridiculous email that finds its way to my inbox.

Enjoy. There’s a link in there to his/her youtube page too, which is also rather batshit, but mostly what you’ve read here.

~ Science Like No Other ~

I have all the secrets of infinity in my hands,
i really want to spread it to as many scientists
as possible. so here i go.

here’s a simple scientific test you can experiement
with.

wear black clothes and go to a busy mall
you will notice your mind really hurts, this
is because black colors ( or dark colors )
are pulling other humans imagination and bringing
them to close to you and you read it.

this causes stress especially when you are
surrounded by religious people or something.

but when you WEAR WHITE CLOTHES..
the opposite is true, you reject everyones idealogy
and you get to feel free with your own science.

your own imagination is not disturbed.

you can optimize and re-test this if you want.
you can even wax the body hair you have
and dye your hair to yellow or white.

trust me, this is extreme science like no other
and i have it cracked, this can be used to
stop aging, reverse aging,

we can use this to time travel, be immortal
and make money too

because infinity’s law suggests the more people
you spread this truth to of, the more money
you are likely to make. ( it’s the reward you
get from infinity for giving people the secret )

so tell people to wear white ( be nice, by force
is prohibited by federal law of infinity ).

or just wear white clothes and walk around
shopping malls, you become a role model
and your influence alone will earn you money.

WHITE as you know is a color that pushes
while BLACK is a color that pulls light.

so imagine if you were made up of light
and you were wearing black clothes.

you’d age faster than anyone else.

if you were wearing white, because it pushes
the light back, you could stop yourself
from aging.

try experiementing this with luxury places
because there is a competition going on, on earth.

it’s as if everyones soul has some jealousy
inside them and they do not like it when
someone is about to spread the truth and rise
into power.

so keep yourself safe, experienment around
luxury stores where your safety is not jeapordized.

if you are a highly scientific person, try avoiding
conversation with highly religious people.

my own great parents are religious, so i am not
talking to them not even on the phone.

their voice and the way they think can interfier
with my imagination and distort the science
i am working on.

please feel free to ask me for more information
i am on youtube right now

youtube.com/summertimedancings
post comments on my channel i’ll respond 24/7
to every question you have.

on my youtube page i found david’s video wow
i really want to give this guy all the secrets i have
he can put it into media, become a billionaire
and spark a revolution that can save us all.

i mean all of us, we are all about to become
immortal supreme beings.

all we have to do is wear white clothes
and be obsessed with white stuff.

very simple.

this is no joke, i am about to get this party started

Summer Time Dance

Woo! Hows about dem subtle racist ideas in there? If you’re not a good aryan you’re absorbing everyone else’s thoughts and feelings! Start bleachin’ that skin to go with the body hair!

This shouldn’t require saying, but apparently it does. Sarah Palin has big hair. Isn’t that enough evidence it’s bad?

I’ve seen a commercial for a product called “Bumpits,” a “hair volumizer.” And they even have pictures likely not using their product. They’re the ones here in the pink frames!

Volume is alright, but this is making your head look mutated. That’s all. This applies to quiffs, of course. Simple is better with hair.

Tomorrow, we discuss how the mexican and redneck (or the combination hereby called rednexicans) women need to stop shaving their eyebrows and drawing on new ones with sharpies.

“My brain is swollen.”

“My head never regained its shape after I was born.”

“My brain was trying to escape, so I tied it down with my hair.

“I wanted to look like Nefertiti!”

“My mom and I love Bumpits!”

“Palin for pres in 2010!”

Someone explain this to me.

Your team wins the championship.

You burn a car.

Huh? Isn’t that an expression of anger? I can’t figure out how it starts. I know somewhere it goes to drunken celebration and “WOOOOO!”, but where does it go to “TIP THE CAR!” and “BURN IT ALL?”

“OUR CITY’S TEAM WON SCREW THIS CITY IN WHICH WE’RE CELEBRATING HAVING THE WINNING TEAM BURN IT DOWN!!!”

At least I’d understand if the losing team’s city got burned, as punishment for…not drafting the right players, I guess. But why the winning team?

Local Fox News Affiliate reports that Philadelphia and New York have the most single women compared to men. And I quote, “Researchers believe this is because young women like to date attractive young men, but as they get older they become less concerned with appearance.”

And how does that statement apply to this story? Does it mean guys in Philly and New York are butt ugly? Does it mean women are moving there for hot guys, and there’s not enough to go around?

Does it apply at all, because the story made no mention of age, purely that there are more single women than men?

You tell me, Fox Affiliate. You tell me.