Your name is bad and you should feel bad. But you should feel bad for other reasons.

I mean really, if your Gamertag requires xX<name>Xx, a number greater than 10 not including birth years or  (sadly) 69, or some horrible spelling mutation, get something else.

I’m talking to you iRoNiiQ. Or WildestDoubloon. Especially you, DaiperBag. All the DigBicks out there, overcompensating for personal shortcomings via the internet. Oh, and fuck everyone with [WEED], [W33D], [W₤₤D] or [BALZ] as a clan tag. Most underground players, people who have a Gamerscore of 10 (nothing against casuals, it just seems to signify people who had to get new accounts). Most of the people listed under the pro category too, in fact (I just logged onto a server, and the first thing I hear is “Motherfucker took my kill!” from SUPERTRUNK2, no surprise, a Pro player. It’s called TEAM deathmatch. That’s call an assist. It comes from TEAMWORK. And yes, he yelled and cussed whenever he died). It seems recreation and family are the non-asshole sections of Xbox Live. And the alternating caps crowd deserves a mention, I suppose. NaMeS lIkE tHiS.

It is horrifyingly common that the most mangled names belong to the biggest jackasses. Usually people who leave the mic on and mouthbreathe you (or worse, are playing the headset sound through their speakers leading to horrid feedback loops), but also whiners, yellers, and kids. Not just fourteen year olds, though most of them are annoying too; I mean actual fucking five year olds on Call of Duty 4.

Granted, we all know most people on Live, or any multiplayer affair, are stupid. I just think Live tends to be worst since you get the headset with the Xbox, and anonyity+audience=utter cockmonger. Or, if I might just repost a Penny-Arcade comic which has been known as a truth to most of us since 2002,

Sadly this doesn’t just stop at bad names, it goes to full asshat behavior. Mouthbreathing the microphone, feedback loops because you play too close to the TV, leave the mic constantly on, and have player speech coming through it, etc. Talkin’ about you, Kickedurdog. I’m talking about you. With Xbox Live, the weak link is clearly the scoring system. Who do you ever see without 5 stars? Even the biggest asshats always have them. Does Microsoft count negative ratings as 1/100th of a positive one? For reference, my recent players list has 43 people with 5 stars, one with 4.5, one with 3. The 3 star was a new guy with a bad name but okay otherwise (one of the many KingLeonidas out there), 4.5 newish, but okay. Four of the 43 were utter smacktards. Everyone complained about them being on the server. Yet, 5 stars. Do they all just have lots of upvoting friends, is the ratio just that bad? Does nobody avoid other players?

I’m just going to start a listing of idiots off the internet at http://www.livetards.com. Mic spammers, exploiters (how small is your dick* that you have to cheat at a multiplayer game where nothing will happen, ever, even if you’re the best in the world?), and general dipshits. These people would, for the most part, NEVER act like this in reality or they’d have been punched in the (likely small) dick* over and over until they could no longer reproduce. I’m not sure what suddenly makes it acceptable to be incredibly stupid in a way that affects others, but there you go. It’s like youtube comments yelled in your ear by 14 year olds who breathe very loudly. I really hope most of them are trolls and not actually that stupid.

But that’s why I’m going to start Livetards. And there, they shall be mocked.

*Substitute with clit as needed for female asshats. Or limp, for xFlaccidGrandpa.