Entries from April 2010 ↓

Does the Republican party actually have any ideas left? That’s rhetorical, they don’t obviously, or they’d have found a new strategy. Obviously the tactic of just saying “No!” to everything the Democrats say for the last four years has been extremely ineffective, but they keep it up anyway. Now they’re threatening to filibuster a financial reform bill, siding with Wall Street, the only collective group more unpopular than the government right now.

If Barack Obama came out right now and said “The sky is blue and this grass is green”, Mitch McConnell would stand up in the senate and declare “No it isn’t, and you’re a fucking Muslim.” Then he’d call for an end to the ad hominem attacks against him so the senate can move forward and get something done instead of being gridlocked.

This might be an unfair blanket statement, but I doubt it.

I had to go to a Wal-Mart today, a Super Wal-Mart at that. Naturally an exercise in frustration and infuriation. I decided while I was there, though, I’d pick up a copy of Jesse Ventura’s book American Conspiracies. Best seller, recently release, easy to find, right? Nope. Nothing. No books.

None.

Not even Twilight or some other romance novels. You can always find a Dean Koontz book or something, right? Not anymore.

I already fear for the literacy of the nation, and to see that a very busy Wal-Mart has given up books that tells me most people have as well. If there’s a market, that store will carry anything. There are no books. That means so few people are buying they’ve lost interest even in best sellers, and as much as I’d like to think it’s due to e-readers, it’s not. They’re growing but far from saturating. No, it just means that we’re all going the way of Laredo I fear. At least in the past people read on the internet, but now who bothers to read when there’s YouTube and podcasts?

The written word really may be dead.

Cable companies are trying to convince me OnDemand is better than Netflix, because I can rent, say, Sherlock Holmes right now.

It’s true, I can. I have to wait a month for Netflix. I also don’t have to pay 7 dollars for the movie when it comes out, fight through the awful OnDemand interface, tiling, and every other problem the cable company can throw at me.

You know what else is shitty about OnDemand? EVERYTHING.

In my attempts to watch The Ricky Gervais Show on it, the episode listing is as such.

The Ricky Gervais Show: Episo…

The Ricky Gervais Show: Episo…

The Ricky Gervais Show: Episo…

The Ricky Gervais Show: Episo…

The Ricky Gervais Show: Episo…

The Ricky Gervais Show: Episo…

Seeing the problem here? No? That’s because you use common sense. You presume the episode listing is number one at the top and six at the bottom, or reverse depending on how they sort. But you, sir, are wrong.

The current order is 4, 3, 6, 5, 2, 1. You can’t tell, however, without another menu dive, and then backing out of it, which takes you back to the HBO series menu, then back to Ricky Gervais, then down to the next episode. God forbid OnDemand actually remember where you were in a menu. Or work. Episode six is actually episode four right now. And for some reason there’s no HD option for HBO. There’s no HD option for a lot of things, but as HBO costs good money, I’d expect it.

But this is the same company who’s DVRs forget to record all the time, and whose buffer is randomly deleted. For those not in the know, the DVRs are supposed to record the last hour of TV on the channel you’re on, so you can rewind or replay. Great idea, right? Doesn’t work. Cox sends out a signal bump three or four times a day that deletes the buffer. If you’re behind you’ll be shot up to the live signal, and what you were watching is gone. Hopefully you didn’t start recording late, because if you did, the end of it just got cut off. For some reason, the software acts like its copying from VHS rather than a digital source, committing information to the drive in real time. If you start recording at 7, you’re done at 8. If you start recording at 7:05, however, even if you’re watching live, the recording ends at 8:05. It’s the same data was was from 7 to 8, but it’s off  by that amount of time. And if the data gets reset at 8, you just lost the last five minutes. It’s one of the many, many things brought to you by shitty Scientific Atlanta programming and Cox’s insistence that the box they’re charging you $12 a month for is high quality.

I’ll have more examples of how this is the opposite of truth soon, I’ve got a nice notepad file of notes growing.

So, there’s a new smokeable item out there. It’s called Spice.

Mixture of various herbs and other things, currently legal and apparently strong as hell. I’ve heard good things, but I can’t get over the name, nor the expectation for my eyes to glow blue after trying it.

That’s not just me, right?

I’m depressed today and really don’t feel like writing. So I’m going to make fun of Megatokyo by posting art that isn’t  a horrible romance manga that my drawing became after the funny person left the team nor a Shirt Guy Dom. Click it for full size version, featuring authentic rice paper textures!

PS have I mentioned I’m really not a good artist?

This is some serious business here. I don’t know if it’s by bosses, for bosses, or for people whose bosses are getting on their cases, but look at that man. That man knows coffee. He’s seen some shit. That pipe? Old school. He’s been around. He’s done some things, paid his dues.

The expression? Sincerity, seriousness, and a knowledge of getting shit done. Is his mouth open or does he have a serious mustache, the kind that’d make Tom Selleck weep? Maybe he’s telling some people to stop slacking off. Maybe he’s imparting wisdom, telling someone a story from long ago, about how he learned the value of a hard day’s work. Maybe he’s just staring with a proud, fatherly gaze toward the production line he’s made efficient by pioneering new techniques when he worked there.

Maybe it’s both. Maybe it’s a powerful mustache and a soft spoken “You did good, son.”

All I know is I picked up a can of Boss Coffee Special Blend. That seven ounce can packed three times the punch of a 16 ounce can of Starbucks.

You know what their logo is? A mermaid. Mermaids can’t even drink coffee, it’d get watered down simply by the fact it’s made in the ocean. Not to mention horribly salty. No wonder that stuff gives me a stomach ache. Nothing but salt, syrup, and burnt in there!

Boss Coffee, though? One can and you’re ready to go. Boss Coffee speaks of a quiet dignity I lack, a smooth, strong flavor and all kinds of caffeine. Starbucks costs five. Boss Coffee cost me two.

As a closing point, who endorses Starbucks? Oh, you can’t think of anyone? Well you know who endorses Boss Coffee? Tommy Lee Jones.

America, it’s time to start importing some coffee.

It’s comedy unintentionally placed in tragedy.

As you read this, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday. My name is Ibrahim Hassan a merchant in U.A.E, I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer .

You see it too, right?

“I believe everyone will die someday.” Apparently not everyone has though. There are people around Mr. Hassan who are quite old and quite alive. He’s pretty sure, though, that everyone is going to die at some point, but he hasn’t seen enough hard evidence to make a bold “Everyone dies someday” statement. There’s definitely a pattern forming, but without being around to observe much longer, he can’t verify for certain.

But he believes it, and that’s good enough. It’s a comfort that it is not he alone who’s going to die in a cruel, unfair world where some people get to be Highlanders, and he has to cack it. It might not be true. He might be wrong, but feeling like he isn’t alone, well, that makes it all okay, damn it.

Seriously. What the fuck?

I had to return a bottle of juice to the store today because it was, apparently, diet. I didn’t see this as I bought it, because the concept makes no sense and thus the word, despite being in giant, bold blue letters, developed and SEP field. But now that I’m aware I’m forced to ask “Did someone grow a Splenda tree and graft pomegranate branches to it? Are there Ace-K and Nutrasweet berries in the wild and I’ve been unaware this whole time?”

How and why do you make diet JUICE?

I always imagined the process to be as such.

1)Harvest fruit

2)Process fruit

3)Squeeze processed fruit

4)Bottle processed fruit squeezings

5)PROFIT!!!

Is there, somewhere in the process, a “3.5)??????” that I’m unaware of, where you extract all the fructose and replace it with something else for some reason?

It’s 2010. We can agree on that, yes? At least by the Gregorian calender, it’s 2010 CE/AD.

According to the IRS, it’s 2009.

According to Glendale Community College, it’s 2010, but when I start classes in August, which end in December, they take place in 2011. By their calender, 2010 ends in July.

My 2009 taxes are done in 2010, and they taxes which occur in 2009 determine the state of the grants and scholarships which happen in the 2011 school year, which actually happens in 2010.

I’m going to travel 3 years in five months somehow. I do not understand it.

This is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen. Kinoki Footpad dumb.

The Bionic Band. If you’ve been to any flea market, trade show, etc. in the last few months, you’ve probably seen it.

The claim is it’s a band imprinted with your body’s natural frequency, and its protons all spin the same way, which makes YOUR protons spin the same way. And by doing that you’re immune to electromagnetic fields, faster, stronger, and better balanced.

If you want one, though, it’s going to be $50. But good news! You get a discount if you start selling them! No kidding, it’s a pyramid scheme wrapped around Alex Chiu’s eternal life rings basically.

Here’s a fun fact. Their demonstration is to have you hold your fingers/hands together or to push you, or pull against your arm. And then you put on the bracelet or hold it, and wow, you’re stronger already! The second time, of course, you expect it, and they push in different directions versus the off-center pressure that’s harder to resist.

You can also debunk them in their on booths. Get yourself a volunteer. Tell him you’re about to push him, let him prepare. He’ll resist. Next, “This bracelet is used for safety. We’ve used it with prisoners as an alternative to chemicals, and animal trainers use it because the creatures they’re training won’t be as strong, or as dangerous. Put it on and you’ll feel how it’s harder to resist or keep your balance.” Push a little to the side, this time, and watch them tumble from a combination of unexpected direction and psychosomatic influence.

Then you should probably move very far away very fast, because they’re going to be pissed. Fortunately, they won’t be hopped up on placebo effect anymore and you can escape easily!