Entries from April 2010 ↓

That’s good. That means you’re thinking.

I’ve just realized that people who never feel that way probably ARE wrong.

Among recent people who’ve never felt they could be wrong-

Osama Bin Laden
George W Bush
Sarah Palin
Dick Cheney
Kim Jong Il
Jon Kyl
Joe Arpaio
Glenn Beck
Bill O’Reilly
Marshall Applewhite
Pope Benedict
Fred Phelps
Stephen Colbert (The character, not the actor)
Dale Gribble

And, most damning of all, Christian Weston Chandler.

But much like yawning, you’re about to have an evolutionary trigger hit.

I hate when I think about breathing, and it switches over from involuntary to voluntary, and I have to think about doing it until a little time passes and I forget, so it goes back to my medulla.

You’re thinking about it now aren’t you? Now you’re having to do it yourself, I bet you’re taking more sparse, deeper breaths than normal too.

Sorry.

And writing this doesn’t help the process either for me, but since it just happened…well, not much option but to whinge about it. That’s what I do, I get annoyed, I whinge for all to see.

Watch some Lady Gaga, you’ll forget quick enough. Then you’ll see a Lady Gaga video and think about breathing, and it all starts over. I think that might be when we die. When we’re out of memories that don’t make us think about breathing. We can’t switch it off, we fall asleep, and bam, dead in 10. Until then…

No, that’s not a typo.

That’s what I just heard on the commercial for the Maricopa County Fair. “Meet Dorai in person!” it says, while showing a giant foam rubber suit Dora. Or maybe it’s not. This is Arizona, dirt poor and stupid.

I can’t tell if someone just didn’t do the research, they were too cheap to rerecord, or they didn’t want to pay for an actual Dora the Explorer appearance, so have gone with a similar but legally distinct version. Either way, my head, it meets the desk.

I know I’m not the only one who hates them. Not for the “Oh no, there’s not enough time!” reason, rather the opposite.

When I took my ACT, I sat with a solid 20-30 minutes of spare time after each section. I got a 31 on the test, a 36 (aka, perfect score) on reading.

But thanks to the rules, I could do nothing but sit there and wait a while. A long while. A long, bored while that I’m pretty sure actually made me do worse on the next sections by killing my momentum and forcing my brain into shutdown to avoid rapidly building boredom.

There are two options I see. One-Let students have a damn book. Here’s the system, in fact to ensure no cheating. You have to put your pencil down and hand your answer sheet to the proctor. Then if somehow it reminds you of the formula you forgot…well, too bad. And if it has an answer key somehow, again, too bad.

Or, we drop the restriction on starting the next section. It’s not like one section has answers to the previous section, so why are we waiting? When you’ve done the best you can, move on to the next section. I know people aren’t supposed to go back to previous sections in the current, but hey, they do anyway, so why not work with it?

In fact, throw out the whole section concept. It’s a test. Write it in sections, but no restrictions on starting or ending. You just have 3 hours to take the test, with a break in the middle. When you’re done, turn it in and go home. Go back and forth all you like, because hey, that’s how work and class go in reality anyway.

I know there’s an argument to be made that some people don’t finish all the sections in time of course, or maybe any. Maybe they bump against the time wall. Well, that’s why they apply some time management! It’s a critical life skill, afterall, knowing when to leave something and come back later. If you can’t apply that to a standardized test, you’re going to have real trouble in school and work anyway.

They’re presenting it as the adaptation of life, and people learning to live within the twilight bands and probably underground like we’re Twi’leks or something, but guys, it’s been done before, and in a WAY more awesome way by Mr. Ryan North via T-Rex.

Click it for the full comic! It doesn’t fit in my meager central column, T-Rex cannot be constrained by these proportions!

PS, Dinosaur Comics are awesome in general.

Today, I went to Pizza Hut. I was picking up a pizza for my father, who’s undergoing chemo right now. Unsurprisingly, getting something that even tastes okay is a challenge, so when he thought that sounded good, I jumped.

I also spent my only $5 I’ve got for my own pleasure this month on a delicious 4 pack of Stuffed Pizza Rollers, which I haven’t had in ages, but have not forgotten the joy of.

Upon my exit from the store, a woman in a dirty white t-shirt with large gold hoop earrings stopped me. “I was going to ask the guy inside for help but I’m going to an abuse shelter in the morning with my kids and my grandmother. We’re staying in a motel right now and don’t have any money for food, can you order something please?” My first instinct was disbelief. I’ve spent a lot of time around people who are making up stories, afterall, from my retail work in the ghetto. You learn which people are really on hard times and want some food versus who needs a little crack money fast, especially when they try to sell you a Banquet frozen dinner.

But, I’m not omniscient. I could be wrong, and while I had no spare money, I knew I didn’t NEED the pizza rollers. A little sadly, afterall, I’m a fat guy who had a tasty treat, I handed them over. She ran to her truck, parked just a space from me and handed them to someone on the other side saying “Here, save these for the kids.” I would have liked a thank you, certainly, but maybe she had other things on her mind. I probably would, and she ran into Pizza Hut immediately.

As I pulled out, I saw a guy on the other side of the truck. “That’s a guy!” my brain said. “And he looks like an asshole! And he’s just glaring at me, you can at least give me a “thank you” courtesy wave or nod!” It was followed by “Fuck, I bet she was just trying to con me for a meal. Well, she told him to save it for the kids, anyway. If they can’t afford something for them that’s fine, but they shouldn’t be lying about it.”

Cut to 20 minutes ago. I experimented in the kitchen with pita bread and cheese, attempting to recreate the lost tastytreat. The first attempt was too crispy, but had a good flavor. The second was closer in texture, but the flavor wasn’t as good and it was too wet. Mentally, the thought popped up “God damn it, I really wanted those. That was the last five bucks I had for eating out, she’d fucking better have been battered!”

A few moments passed. Of course, much like REM sleep it probably all happened within the span of a second, but it sure seemed like a long time in my mind.

I knew what I’d just thought, afterall. And then the next thought popped up. “Wait, that’s horrible. I think I’d rather have just been conned for five bucks.”

For once, I really hope my charity offering was just me being a sucker. I didn’t ever think I’d think or say that, but there it is. I also know there’s an insensitive prick in my barely-conscious thoughts now, but I kinda figured he was there a long time ago, having moved in as a response to my habit of dating emotionally draining/abusive crazy women with severe personality disorders.

But I still hope I was just a sucker this time, because I just had an awkward moment in my own head, by myself. I didn’t know that was even possible.

Then I saw this.

Holy. Shit.

Not an SIW ad!

It’s not that self-insert books are rare, self-insert fanfic is common, and lots of companies make audiobooks with someone’s name as the main character.

This, though…they have at least two vampire books. I’m guessing somewhere around ten, in reality. When did vampires get ruined, again? I know there was the original movie jump from terrifying demonic things to charming evil, but when did they become the omnipotent heroes who can do anything but they’re GENTLE WITH ME OMG SO PERFECT?

Is this even necessary, really? Isn’t the whole thing about Twilight that Bella is so completely personalityless (and Edward and Jacob for that matter), that you simply step right into her shoes? Even her name is just a term of endearment.

God damn it.

Facebook ads, this time, which do fail pretty often.

I did, in fact, drive to Movie Gallery! Well, Hollywood Video, but it’s the same company.

Of course, that ended for everyone when the company went into Chapter 11.

Facebook ads-Showing you a picture of your wife and asking if you’re into horny singles since 2004.

“If you’re using the leading toothpaste, you may be missing a key ingredient for a healthy mouth.” 10 seconds later, “Crest is the leading toothpaste, with all the key ingredients for a healthy mouth.”

Wait, what?

“Crest? Man, fuck that guy. He’s number one, woo!”