Colonic distress (or how to start a day with a numb leg)

Say what you want, McDonald’s food is friendly. It’s happy to say hi to everything else you eat and see how it’s doing.

Chompie’s bagels, particularly an Everything Bagel, have a lot to offer too. They’ve got something for everyone, especially when you add cream cheese and vegemite to the mix of garlic, onion, poppy seed, and who knows what else.

A Sausage Egg McMuffin and a Chompie’s Everything Bagel will become quick friends in your digestive tract and intestines, sharing the trip. Your colon doesn’t like this. Colons are full of shit and everyone knows it, they don’t know how to keep friends. They get jealous and start throwing tantrums and become work-obsessed.

You, on the other hand, will wake up at 4:30 am, being alerted by the workaholic colon that “Damn it boss, I gotta clear the warehouse, open the door!” And as the sleepy manager you’ll comply because you’re sick of him smashing things up inside you anyway, but he didn’t tell you he plans to empty the whole warehouse.

But he does. He’s got OCD, and that warehouse is UNCLEAN.

Hope you brought a book.