Entries from May 2010 ↓

God damn it, another Saturday Night Live movie. Don’t they remember how poorly this went in the 90s? Aside from an okay Pat movie, you can’t make movies out of a 5 minute bit. In fact, you shouldn’t be making 5 minute bits generally, because they’re dragging on too damn long again.

Nothing over 3 minutes unless it’s really, REALLY funny. Like it makes people who aren’t Jimmy Fallon start corpsing.

That said, MacGruber bits are 20-30 seconds long. They’re funny for exactly that long. I’ve seen 30 second commercials that were already too damn long. Let’s do the math really quick, okay?

5 minute sketch converted to 90 minutes, that’s an 1800% length increase, and it ends up being very, very unfunny to outright shitty right around the 300 percent mark. 30 seconds to 90 minutes? 18,000 percent increase. If MacGruber stops being funny at 200%, and gets bad at 300%…

Well, you can do the math from here, because I’m probably doing this all wrong to begin with, but the answer is clearly the kind of suck the ends the world. You think the black hole the LHC can make is scary? Wait until MacGruber. Rumor is it was, in fact, where all that CERN funding went since they haven’t been able to get enough collisions to form a Higgs-Boson.

When they pay you $100 million for scientific research, it’s easy to think that movie’s a good idea!

And if you have any interest in art and haven’t seen it yet, go track down Painting With Fire. It’s amazing.

They’re expensive. They’re a lot of work. And to fix one part, you lose another.

In getting a new fan that will keep my processor from melting in the Arizona heat, the only thing capable of the job is big enough by 3 mm to scrape the RAM.

I need a new motherboard anyway, but…well, there’s $100 more in order to keep that 2 gigs.

Clearly this wasn’t meant to be informative, it was just meant to use the words “thermal” and “interface” as much as they could in one sentence. And also to forget how “an” is used.

Interface. Also Thermal.

“Safety will continue to be a top priority.”

A top priority. Not “the top priority.” Just one of them. You know, right behind profit. Very reassuring to know it’s a top priority of course, but if something is going to come down to a few less crashes versus a few thousand dollars more taken home by the board of directors…well, capitalism comes first!

Post-credits spoiler for Iron Man 2 ahead.

Okay fellow nerds, who else thought it was going to be Hulk related from midway through the movie?

This thought goes through the mind of any guy who’s living with or has his father living with him. Or sometimes just visiting. Those who share a home with our fathers think it most days. Really, ask any guy you know who lives with his dad, and he’ll tell you it’s almost daily. The “Shit my dad says” guy? Yep, him too.

Today, my father had indeed put a shirt on. I thought this was good news for my eyes. And at first it was.

Then I realized he hadn’t put on pants.

There is no winning.

I just tried this a few days ago to little success. I always try this to little success, but this time I have a secret weapon. A french press! Only a fancier, filtered version called an Aeropress.

Maybe drinking Fry-like quantities of coffee will help me stay awake. And then I’ll just end up sleeping for 14-20 hours to make up for what I didn’t get last night, defeating the point of this exercise. Until then, whale-size, please!

When you get ahead of someone in traffic? Ode To Joy.

Find an open lane at Wal-Mart? Ode To Joy.

And if you know your roommate is masturbating? Play it right outside the door. Guaranteed comedy gold.

(This post brought to you by Peggle, and a generous grant from the “Shit we thought about at Hollywood Video” foundation)

I’m way, way better at cleaning when I’m high. It’s amazing how an arduous task can go from “God, I hate this” to “Oooh, shiny” as one pitches empty cans into a bag. And it’s so much easier to let things go when you’re high. Possessions, girlfriends, things you think you’ll need but never will. I think the proper application of pot could fix most of the hoarders on TV. At least it’ll help ‘em get rid of the mummified cats and poo jars.