It’s the same sale that’s held every week.

“Last chance to get <blank> for <special price>!”

“This is a limited time offer!”

“This week only!”, when it’s the fourth week running the “This week only!” commercial.

I know the advertising firms think we’re that stupid. And in their unfortunate defense, some of us are. That’s why they keep doing it, it works. So, whichever of you are bringing this about…stop it!

Also, apply this same request to anyone who’s bought something from a spam email. They only do it because it works on someone!

By playing the earworm chorus an average of once every 4 minutes.

First, fuck you, My Chemical Romance, for selling your awful song to at least three commercials in a 3 day span. Second, fuck you awful commercials for buying it.

But most of all, fuck you Sims 3 ad buyer for making sure the song runs at least twice a break on the late night 18-25 year old markets, who are, by the way, your least likely Sims purchasers to begin with. And even if they had some enjoyment, I think you just got rid of them by being more annoying than an eDiets commercial.

I hope the person in charge of this dies by sustained exposure to a 200 DB noise.

Yes, it’s another “been transcribin’ all night” post. Also baking cakes. So I go with the “Holy crap, I know they’re “targetting” straight men with the commercials, but the context with the Bod Man spray is unbelievably homoerotic.: Awful clubbish whispersinging music with 95 percent of the commercial focused on shirtless, sweaty, incredibly well muscled and very attractive men does NOT convince me this spray is meant to attract women.

Why do I care? Because why should it need such a flimsy cover? It’s both insulting to the viewers’ intelligence and promotes the idea there’s something wrong with being gay by hiding what anyone can tell is the clear intent to begin with. And to that I say boo, boo!

“You know you’re doing it right when you hear a click!” says the Perfect Situp commercial, one of the many exercise devices out there, advertising late at night. But you know what? That is NOT by design.

That’s got to be a case of “There’s a bit of plastic/metal we couldn’t manage to shave out of the design/our mold was bad and the cheap chinese workers left something overhanging, so there’s a clicking noise at the end of the motion. It’s not a bug, it’s a feature!” Because if it was really a feature, they’d give it a switch, because there’s no way they didn’t find out in focus groups that a constant clicking noise is annoying as hell to their customers.

And this year, they’re two minutes long!

This marks the official beginning of the winter suicide season, doesn’t it? From now until February 14th, terrible commercials reminding you of nothing more than you are so very, very alone, and are worthless without buying lavish gifts for a girlfriend.

Ugh.

That commercial with the “kid” voices that sound like helium and chipmunks really needs to stop. Now. It’s giving us nightmares.

Oh, fuck, there’s two. I just saw a second with four people in an office with “kid” voices and it was horrifying as well, though not as much as the one with the woman asking “Want me to be your girlfriend?” and taking the guy’s sandwich. Neither of those even sounds like an actual human child, but the girl is outright demonic. It’s like you took Alvin and dipped him in Satan Juice, but not the awesome kind that makes you rock. The kind John Mayer uses.

I wish I could make this up. This NyQuil I’ve got for strep (I’d normally have Tylenol Ice, but guess who’s in the midst of the fourth recall of the year) is actually labeled special edition. “Cherry Vanilla Swirl”, it says. First off, it only counts as a swirl if there’s a swirl within. An amalgamated flavor isn’t a swirl, it’s just two flavors combined. Now if it were ice cream, it’d be a swirl.

Secondly, who drinks NyQuil for flavor? It’s awful, and I don’t like that they’re even trying to change that. The terribleness of NyQuil tells you how sick you are, no matter what variety of red or green flavor you get. If it’s utterly disgusting, you’re going to pull through. If it actually tastes like cherry vanilla swirl, you’d best write up a will and kiss your ass goodbye, because you’re minutes from death.

I’ll just chalk this up to marketing ruining everything. Or making it stupid, anyway.

“Yours for $19.95! But wait! Order now and we’ll DOUBLE THE OFFER!”

You know what? I don’t believe you. I don’t think it’s a $100 value at all, I think it’s maybe a ten dollar value. Total. If it was really worth one hundred bucks on the open market, you wouldn’t be selling for ten a pop. I think I know the difference between a genuine discount and an absolute bullshit highballing. And buddy, I smell scotch.

Rum and Coke-

8 ounces of Coke. Or four. Whatever. Open a can, take a few sips.
Some rum. I guess an ounce or two? Whatever tastes right or fills the can back up.

And it’s a rum and coke! It’s just that easy! Oh, you can totally add ice. I would, if it’s in a glass. But that’s me.

This post brought to you by the same people who made the patronizingly stupid “Disarono and ginger ale” commercial, and likely every other horribly stupid commercial they’ve had in the last few years.

As in “You-Glue.” I wish I was making it up. Because this name is just inexplicable.

Some part of me, some hopeful part with faith in humanity is trying to tell me it’s short for “universal glue.” I doubt it. I think it’s a bastardized “You-glue”, because that sounds like “YouTube” and the kids like that, it’s popular, so maybe they’ll think of our product now!

I wish I didn’t have to think of this, but I know two things. People are stupid, marketers are extra stupid and will latch onto any tiny sliver of what they perceive to be trendy.

It could certainly be both. Not that that makes it better, really, but perhaps it was a marketing afterthought? Oh who am I kidding, marketers have taken over the nation entirely, and here’s the result.