Entries Tagged 'ads' ↓

That’s the tagline of the bus bench ad I see driving to university. “If you’re not using us you’re losing money. FIRST PAGE INTERNET PRESENCE GUARANTEED!” it says, followed by a local phone number. No website, which isn’t surprising when I think about it. What is surprising is that this shady seeming ad isn’t a Russian phone number, because there is no first page of the internet. Plenty of people have Google as a homepage, but that’s certainly not the first page if you go through google.com first, is it? It’s the second even if it’s the first result.

So there’s two options the way I see it. One is that they mean first page AFTER a search, which is misleading the customers who really don’t realize Google is the first page of the internet because they know nothing of computers. Second is that they’re serious, and an incredibly shady spyware operation that really will make you the first page when someone opens a browser, the last page when they try to close it, and everything in between. Granted, I don’t think it’s actually good for your company to give the impression you infect computers, but the customers this company expects likely don’t understand the concept.

So everyone wins but the customer. And us! So nobody but the shady russian spyware production company wins, I guess. It’s like Alien Vs. Predator but the humans win, and nobody likes that ending.

“Guys always talk free at one eight hundred free love! (Messages cost between 99 cents and 1.99 depending on carrier Sprint and Nextel customers 19.99 a month subscription fee applies.)”

Yeah, a dollar a text sounds like free to me. Okay, I know, if you’re sad enough to go for sexy text messages from someone who doesn’t even have to try and sound attractive you’re probably not that concerned at paying a buck for 160 characters or less, but still. You’d think they’d hide the fees at least when two seconds ago they proclaimed how it’s free.

You’ve seen this, no doubt. Every time you load up say, Robot Unicorn Attack, you get an interstitial ad with the “Please wait, your game is loading” tag.

Bullshit.

My game isn’t loading. I know my game isn’t loading because it’s already cached. Or because when the ad ends, I get to a screen showing zero percent loaded. I could also talk about how convenient it is that the game never fails to load right as the ad ends, couldn’t I? But the truth of the matter is always that we’re being lied to for no reason. Why not a “This ad pays the bills. Wait 30 seconds and then you get your game.” Or “Your video is loaded, but bandwith costs money”? I’d support that for sure. Who wouldn’t? We’re…

Nevermind, this is the internet. Most of the adults act like 13 year olds on a good day, especially if a microphone is involved. Resume lying.

And now, the dumbest new “enhancement” to the format comes courtesy of Universal Studios. The “Blu-ray Ticker”, they call it. A moving, updating text based ad sitting on the top right corner of the main menu, which had been wonderfully unobtrusive so far, enough so that I’ve complimented them on their menu. Easily navigated, looks nice without drawing attention.

Not anymore. Now there’s a streaming ad. It starts with “Congratulations on choosing (movie name here) on Blu-ray!” That’s always a phrasing that’s annoyed me, “choosing” when it comes to products, particularly entertainment. When combined with “Congratulations”, it just becomes patronizing, and yet marketers seem to love that phrase. “Congratulations on choosing (product)”, as if I’ve won a prize by shelling out my money for what I perceived to be the best option. Because this was a contest, not a sale! Has anyone actually reacted positively to “Congratulations on choosing Land-O-Lakes Heavy Whipped Cream” or “Congratulations on choosing AMC Theatres”? I presume not.

But I digress as usual. The ticker is intrusive, flashy, and serves no real purpose. Nobody’s reading the announcements, they’re not reading the ads, they just turn the thing off instantly as  the monument to distaste that it is. And to top it off, if people were actually interested in something they saw, they can’t do anything about it. It’s not an interactive function, it’s a dynamic text scroll. Saw something you wanted to know more about? Would have clicked a link to buy something? Too bad.

It’s annoying, doesn’t reach an audience, and even if it did it wouldn’t WORK.

Way to clutter up the screen for no reason, Universal.

I’m sure that’s who’s to blame, because once again, a product has an incredibly stupid name. “Crest 3D White Toothpaste.” Because, as we all know, toothpaste, teeth, and smiles are two dimensional. Life is in fact a two dimensional plane, we live in Flatland and our women are attractive but dangerous line segments.

Fucking hell, man, where do these “experts” graduate from, and why do people believe them?

Here’s another recent example. You probably don’t eat it, but you’re familiar with Vegemite I’m sure. Everyone is. So when a new version was created, mixed with cream cheese and a milder flavor, Kraft hired “marketing experts” to come up with a new name.

They came up with iSnack.

Do these people have a single original thought in their heads, or do they just clone anything they saw the name of? I’m pretty sure it’s the latter, because once in a while you see an ad series produced by a startup company that’s original and effective, then you see 500 copies of it.

Let me say it again. iSnack. Next up, iSnack 3D 2.0, just you watch.

Fuck.

“Safety will continue to be a top priority.”

A top priority. Not “the top priority.” Just one of them. You know, right behind profit. Very reassuring to know it’s a top priority of course, but if something is going to come down to a few less crashes versus a few thousand dollars more taken home by the board of directors…well, capitalism comes first!

No, that’s not a typo.

That’s what I just heard on the commercial for the Maricopa County Fair. “Meet Dorai in person!” it says, while showing a giant foam rubber suit Dora. Or maybe it’s not. This is Arizona, dirt poor and stupid.

I can’t tell if someone just didn’t do the research, they were too cheap to rerecord, or they didn’t want to pay for an actual Dora the Explorer appearance, so have gone with a similar but legally distinct version. Either way, my head, it meets the desk.

Facebook ads, this time, which do fail pretty often.

I did, in fact, drive to Movie Gallery! Well, Hollywood Video, but it’s the same company.

Of course, that ended for everyone when the company went into Chapter 11.

Facebook ads-Showing you a picture of your wife and asking if you’re into horny singles since 2004.

“If you’re using the leading toothpaste, you may be missing a key ingredient for a healthy mouth.” 10 seconds later, “Crest is the leading toothpaste, with all the key ingredients for a healthy mouth.”

Wait, what?

“Crest? Man, fuck that guy. He’s number one, woo!”

“You don’t just want one. You want more than one!”

God damn it, Werther’s. Stop it. Don’t do this again.