That’s the tagline of the bus bench ad I see driving to university. “If you’re not using us you’re losing money. FIRST PAGE INTERNET PRESENCE GUARANTEED!” it says, followed by a local phone number. No website, which isn’t surprising when I think about it. What is surprising is that this shady seeming ad isn’t a Russian phone number, because there is no first page of the internet. Plenty of people have Google as a homepage, but that’s certainly not the first page if you go through google.com first, is it? It’s the second even if it’s the first result.
So there’s two options the way I see it. One is that they mean first page AFTER a search, which is misleading the customers who really don’t realize Google is the first page of the internet because they know nothing of computers. Second is that they’re serious, and an incredibly shady spyware operation that really will make you the first page when someone opens a browser, the last page when they try to close it, and everything in between. Granted, I don’t think it’s actually good for your company to give the impression you infect computers, but the customers this company expects likely don’t understand the concept.
So everyone wins but the customer. And us! So nobody but the shady russian spyware production company wins, I guess. It’s like Alien Vs. Predator but the humans win, and nobody likes that ending.
“Guys always talk free at one eight hundred free love! (Messages cost between 99 cents and 1.99 depending on carrier Sprint and Nextel customers 19.99 a month subscription fee applies.)”
Yeah, a dollar a text sounds like free to me. Okay, I know, if you’re sad enough to go for sexy text messages from someone who doesn’t even have to try and sound attractive you’re probably not that concerned at paying a buck for 160 characters or less, but still. You’d think they’d hide the fees at least when two seconds ago they proclaimed how it’s free.
You’ve seen this, no doubt. Every time you load up say, Robot Unicorn Attack, you get an interstitial ad with the “Please wait, your game is loading” tag.
Bullshit.
My game isn’t loading. I know my game isn’t loading because it’s already cached. Or because when the ad ends, I get to a screen showing zero percent loaded. I could also talk about how convenient it is that the game never fails to load right as the ad ends, couldn’t I? But the truth of the matter is always that we’re being lied to for no reason. Why not a “This ad pays the bills. Wait 30 seconds and then you get your game.” Or “Your video is loaded, but bandwith costs money”? I’d support that for sure. Who wouldn’t? We’re…
Nevermind, this is the internet. Most of the adults act like 13 year olds on a good day, especially if a microphone is involved. Resume lying.
Say what you want, McDonald’s food is friendly. It’s happy to say hi to everything else you eat and see how it’s doing.
Chompie’s bagels, particularly an Everything Bagel, have a lot to offer too. They’ve got something for everyone, especially when you add cream cheese and vegemite to the mix of garlic, onion, poppy seed, and who knows what else.
A Sausage Egg McMuffin and a Chompie’s Everything Bagel will become quick friends in your digestive tract and intestines, sharing the trip. Your colon doesn’t like this. Colons are full of shit and everyone knows it, they don’t know how to keep friends. They get jealous and start throwing tantrums and become work-obsessed.
You, on the other hand, will wake up at 4:30 am, being alerted by the workaholic colon that “Damn it boss, I gotta clear the warehouse, open the door!” And as the sleepy manager you’ll comply because you’re sick of him smashing things up inside you anyway, but he didn’t tell you he plans to empty the whole warehouse.
But he does. He’s got OCD, and that warehouse is UNCLEAN.
I’m sure that’s who’s to blame, because once again, a product has an incredibly stupid name. “Crest 3D White Toothpaste.” Because, as we all know, toothpaste, teeth, and smiles are two dimensional. Life is in fact a two dimensional plane, we live in Flatland and our women are attractive but dangerous line segments.
Fucking hell, man, where do these “experts” graduate from, and why do people believe them?
Here’s another recent example. You probably don’t eat it, but you’re familiar with Vegemite I’m sure. Everyone is. So when a new version was created, mixed with cream cheese and a milder flavor, Kraft hired “marketing experts” to come up with a new name.
They came up with iSnack.
Do these people have a single original thought in their heads, or do they just clone anything they saw the name of? I’m pretty sure it’s the latter, because once in a while you see an ad series produced by a startup company that’s original and effective, then you see 500 copies of it.
Let me say it again. iSnack. Next up, iSnack 3D 2.0, just you watch.
A top priority. Not “the top priority.” Just one of them. You know, right behind profit. Very reassuring to know it’s a top priority of course, but if something is going to come down to a few less crashes versus a few thousand dollars more taken home by the board of directors…well, capitalism comes first!
Does the Republican party actually have any ideas left? That’s rhetorical, they don’t obviously, or they’d have found a new strategy. Obviously the tactic of just saying “No!” to everything the Democrats say for the last four years has been extremely ineffective, but they keep it up anyway. Now they’re threatening to filibuster a financial reform bill, siding with Wall Street, the only collective group more unpopular than the government right now.
If Barack Obama came out right now and said “The sky is blue and this grass is green”, Mitch McConnell would stand up in the senate and declare “No it isn’t, and you’re a fucking Muslim.” Then he’d call for an end to the ad hominem attacks against him so the senate can move forward and get something done instead of being gridlocked.
Cable companies are trying to convince me OnDemand is better than Netflix, because I can rent, say, Sherlock Holmes right now.
It’s true, I can. I have to wait a month for Netflix. I also don’t have to pay 7 dollars for the movie when it comes out, fight through the awful OnDemand interface, tiling, and every other problem the cable company can throw at me.
You know what else is shitty about OnDemand? EVERYTHING.
In my attempts to watch The Ricky Gervais Show on it, the episode listing is as such.
The Ricky Gervais Show: Episo…
The Ricky Gervais Show: Episo…
The Ricky Gervais Show: Episo…
The Ricky Gervais Show: Episo…
The Ricky Gervais Show: Episo…
The Ricky Gervais Show: Episo…
Seeing the problem here? No? That’s because you use common sense. You presume the episode listing is number one at the top and six at the bottom, or reverse depending on how they sort. But you, sir, are wrong.
The current order is 4, 3, 6, 5, 2, 1. You can’t tell, however, without another menu dive, and then backing out of it, which takes you back to the HBO series menu, then back to Ricky Gervais, then down to the next episode. God forbid OnDemand actually remember where you were in a menu. Or work. Episode six is actually episode four right now. And for some reason there’s no HD option for HBO. There’s no HD option for a lot of things, but as HBO costs good money, I’d expect it.
But this is the same company who’s DVRs forget to record all the time, and whose buffer is randomly deleted. For those not in the know, the DVRs are supposed to record the last hour of TV on the channel you’re on, so you can rewind or replay. Great idea, right? Doesn’t work. Cox sends out a signal bump three or four times a day that deletes the buffer. If you’re behind you’ll be shot up to the live signal, and what you were watching is gone. Hopefully you didn’t start recording late, because if you did, the end of it just got cut off. For some reason, the software acts like its copying from VHS rather than a digital source, committing information to the drive in real time. If you start recording at 7, you’re done at 8. If you start recording at 7:05, however, even if you’re watching live, the recording ends at 8:05. It’s the same data was was from 7 to 8, but it’s off by that amount of time. And if the data gets reset at 8, you just lost the last five minutes. It’s one of the many, many things brought to you by shitty Scientific Atlanta programming and Cox’s insistence that the box they’re charging you $12 a month for is high quality.
I’ll have more examples of how this is the opposite of truth soon, I’ve got a nice notepad file of notes growing.
It’s 2010. We can agree on that, yes? At least by the Gregorian calender, it’s 2010 CE/AD.
According to the IRS, it’s 2009.
According to Glendale Community College, it’s 2010, but when I start classes in August, which end in December, they take place in 2011. By their calender, 2010 ends in July.
My 2009 taxes are done in 2010, and they taxes which occur in 2009 determine the state of the grants and scholarships which happen in the 2011 school year, which actually happens in 2010.
I’m going to travel 3 years in five months somehow. I do not understand it.
But much like yawning, you’re about to have an evolutionary trigger hit.
I hate when I think about breathing, and it switches over from involuntary to voluntary, and I have to think about doing it until a little time passes and I forget, so it goes back to my medulla.
You’re thinking about it now aren’t you? Now you’re having to do it yourself, I bet you’re taking more sparse, deeper breaths than normal too.
Sorry.
And writing this doesn’t help the process either for me, but since it just happened…well, not much option but to whinge about it. That’s what I do, I get annoyed, I whinge for all to see.
Watch some Lady Gaga, you’ll forget quick enough. Then you’ll see a Lady Gaga video and think about breathing, and it all starts over. I think that might be when we die. When we’re out of memories that don’t make us think about breathing. We can’t switch it off, we fall asleep, and bam, dead in 10. Until then…