Entries Tagged 'Business' ↓

Have you ever worked retail hell? Have you ever worked for a massive company that doesn’t know who you are and probably never will?

If you haven’t, let me put it simply-There is NOTHING that compares to the sense of pointlessness you feel. The fact you don’t fit in, don’t expect a promotion, a raise, anything. You just get complained at all damn day long.

I think it’s time we change that up as a nation. Now we’re all going to bitch and moan, that’s just our right as Americans. But let’s work on the other end of it. Did someone really help you out? Did you make a better decision, find something you couldn’t? Did an employee of this faceless store do something to aid you they didn’t have to?

Say so. Say “Thank you”, for one. Second, tell the manager. Every store has comment cards or a feedback phone number, why only use it when you’re pissed off? Let the employee know you’re doing it too, so you can get a last initial at least. Make someone’s day a little better. Give the poor schlub working for the man a chance to earn a little more money, or at least an “atta boy.” Everyone needs it. Especially anyone working for minimum wage.

I’m sure that’s who’s to blame, because once again, a product has an incredibly stupid name. “Crest 3D White Toothpaste.” Because, as we all know, toothpaste, teeth, and smiles are two dimensional. Life is in fact a two dimensional plane, we live in Flatland and our women are attractive but dangerous line segments.

Fucking hell, man, where do these “experts” graduate from, and why do people believe them?

Here’s another recent example. You probably don’t eat it, but you’re familiar with Vegemite I’m sure. Everyone is. So when a new version was created, mixed with cream cheese and a milder flavor, Kraft hired “marketing experts” to come up with a new name.

They came up with iSnack.

Do these people have a single original thought in their heads, or do they just clone anything they saw the name of? I’m pretty sure it’s the latter, because once in a while you see an ad series produced by a startup company that’s original and effective, then you see 500 copies of it.

Let me say it again. iSnack. Next up, iSnack 3D 2.0, just you watch.

Fuck.

Cable companies are trying to convince me OnDemand is better than Netflix, because I can rent, say, Sherlock Holmes right now.

It’s true, I can. I have to wait a month for Netflix. I also don’t have to pay 7 dollars for the movie when it comes out, fight through the awful OnDemand interface, tiling, and every other problem the cable company can throw at me.

You know what else is shitty about OnDemand? EVERYTHING.

In my attempts to watch The Ricky Gervais Show on it, the episode listing is as such.

The Ricky Gervais Show: Episo…

The Ricky Gervais Show: Episo…

The Ricky Gervais Show: Episo…

The Ricky Gervais Show: Episo…

The Ricky Gervais Show: Episo…

The Ricky Gervais Show: Episo…

Seeing the problem here? No? That’s because you use common sense. You presume the episode listing is number one at the top and six at the bottom, or reverse depending on how they sort. But you, sir, are wrong.

The current order is 4, 3, 6, 5, 2, 1. You can’t tell, however, without another menu dive, and then backing out of it, which takes you back to the HBO series menu, then back to Ricky Gervais, then down to the next episode. God forbid OnDemand actually remember where you were in a menu. Or work. Episode six is actually episode four right now. And for some reason there’s no HD option for HBO. There’s no HD option for a lot of things, but as HBO costs good money, I’d expect it.

But this is the same company who’s DVRs forget to record all the time, and whose buffer is randomly deleted. For those not in the know, the DVRs are supposed to record the last hour of TV on the channel you’re on, so you can rewind or replay. Great idea, right? Doesn’t work. Cox sends out a signal bump three or four times a day that deletes the buffer. If you’re behind you’ll be shot up to the live signal, and what you were watching is gone. Hopefully you didn’t start recording late, because if you did, the end of it just got cut off. For some reason, the software acts like its copying from VHS rather than a digital source, committing information to the drive in real time. If you start recording at 7, you’re done at 8. If you start recording at 7:05, however, even if you’re watching live, the recording ends at 8:05. It’s the same data was was from 7 to 8, but it’s off  by that amount of time. And if the data gets reset at 8, you just lost the last five minutes. It’s one of the many, many things brought to you by shitty Scientific Atlanta programming and Cox’s insistence that the box they’re charging you $12 a month for is high quality.

I’ll have more examples of how this is the opposite of truth soon, I’ve got a nice notepad file of notes growing.

Forever, really. Every year Valentine’s Day comes and goes, and every year I see ad blitzes for romantic comedies, overpriced teddy bears, and pajama deliveries.

Nobody actually likes the day. People in relationships hate the pressure it adds. Single people hate the reminders of being anywhere from an extra wheel to a second class citizen. Valentine’s is when you remember you are very much alone, that you were passed over for a promotion because you weren’t married and the other guy had a wife to pay for (true story for me and several friends), and that one chick decided instead of spending the day with you as planned she’d go spend the weekend with a guy she met the night before. Or that the woman you went on that fantastic date with will talk about how she doesn’t want a relationship with anyone.

It’s a crappy day for everyone who isn’t selling flowers. Although to be fair, more and more companies get in on the act. Even Sony is offering Valentine’s promotions on the Playstation Network, and NHL 10 has gotten Valentine’s related in-game ads. Really, I find the in-game ads most puzzling, the demographic least likely to celebrate Valentine’s gets the most intrusive ads.

But nobody ACTUALLY celebrates Valentine’s. People just get depressed on it over never living up to expectations. Even Christmas manages to come out as a better day for most people, even Thanksgiving which has two fights built in. There’s no real romance to the day, it’s “Hey, look what I’ve got and you don’t” at most. It’s a damn near objectivist holiday. A purer form of consumerism than Christmas has become, and how better to celebrate the martyrdoms of two Saints named Valentine? Buy some crap you nor your partner will like. A cheap paper sentiment, chalk flavored candy with illiterate scrawling, some bad chocolate, and according to the commercials, sit in adjacent tubs while your resurrected erection goes to waste after popping a pill.

I say to hell with it, it’s time to recognize this day as the blight of a social obligation it is, wherein you’re forced to spend exorbitant amounts of money on shit, or be reminded that nobody will ever love you.That if you buy less than the next guy (and let’s be fair, it’s usually men who have to buy all this), you don’t love your partner as much. But you can ask a Walgreens gift advisor for help fixing that! Buy more mylar balloons! Buy more bags of fattening candy that’s somehow worse than candy corn, but is purchased anyway because of the heart shapes! Enjoy the continued ad blitz wherein every break is composed of Vermont Teddy Bear, Cialis, Pajamagram, Cialis, Vermont Teddy Bear.

It’s my belief that we must immediately begin calling Valentine’s VD. Clearly it IS a disease, leading to poverty, depression, and self-injury, so the moniker is appropriate. Beyond that, given time, it should acquire RAS (redundant acronym syndrome) syndrome, as with PIN number and ATM machine.. Soon everyone will call it VD Day, and perhaps, given the unpleasant connotation forget about it entirely. Nobody’s going to buy a Vermont Teddy Bear or Pajamagram (which, by the way, are part of the same company) for VD Day.

Sure, there’s all the flagging options, but really, when a post is just insulting there’s no good option, all you have is “Spam/Overpost.”

Craigslist needs a button labeled “Fuck you!” Might not be bad in the personals section, admittedly, when you have your incredibly unappealing individuals demanding perfection, but mostly it’s needed for the jobs section, particularly the creative ones. Let me provide an example post of why it’s needed.

“We are a small local firm seeking a couple research assistants to help with the editing and revising of textbooks, which will be published shortly. The subject matter is varied, but the current project deals with emerging threats and homeland security.

This is an unpaid position, but a credit will be awarded to those who contribute and this is a definite resume builder. The schedule is very flexible and the only requirements are excellent writing skills and a laptop.

Interested? Let’s talk.”

“Do our work for free! We’ll put your name in small print in return, where it’ll never be seen and we’ll take all the credit for your research.”

“Fuck you!”

See how that works? It’s cathartic, and I think if someone get hammered with the “Fuck you!” button, they’ll quickly come to understand there’s something about their offer that doesn’t jive with the market.

This shouldn’t require saying, but apparently it does. Sarah Palin has big hair. Isn’t that enough evidence it’s bad?

I’ve seen a commercial for a product called “Bumpits,” a “hair volumizer.” And they even have pictures likely not using their product. They’re the ones here in the pink frames!

Volume is alright, but this is making your head look mutated. That’s all. This applies to quiffs, of course. Simple is better with hair.

Tomorrow, we discuss how the mexican and redneck (or the combination hereby called rednexicans) women need to stop shaving their eyebrows and drawing on new ones with sharpies.

“My brain is swollen.”

“My head never regained its shape after I was born.”

“My brain was trying to escape, so I tied it down with my hair.

“I wanted to look like Nefertiti!”

“My mom and I love Bumpits!”

“Palin for pres in 2010!”

SilverSonic XL, one of many of the same product that works as a small overear audio amplifier (so, a hearing aid shaped like a bluetooth headset).

The ad asks the question “Do you wish you had sonic hearing?”

That is not a misquote.

Sonic hearing.

son·ic (snk)
adj.
1. Of or relating to audible sound: a sonic wave.
2. Having a speed approaching or being that of sound in air, about 1,220 kilometers (760 miles) per hour at sea level.
3. Slang Extremely exciting and fast-paced: a sonic lifestyle.

Do you wish you had hearing related to audible sounds? Do you wish your hearing had a speed approaching that of 1,220 KMPH? Do you consider hearing a lifestyle?

Unless you’re deaf, this commecial is selling you WHAT YOU ALREADY HAVE.

I wish I could make this angrier, but the only way to do that is start typing “DAMNIT DAMNIT FUCK” for several pages. I say typing because copy-pasting doesn’t release the fury I feel right now. So just envision R Lee Ermy neckpunching someone, and you’ll know how I feel.

Oh, and after, it says “The SilverSonic XL is discreet, so nobody will know you have sonic hearing!”

Why are there tons of writers, good ones, who can’t find jobs in advertising, but that idiot did? Also, why isn’t he currently being stabbed with a pen?

Seeking an experienced individual with excellent writing and research skills to assist in the preparation of an e-business plan. E-business, E-Learning and sports experience helpful.

Because they think this sort of thing means anything, and is relevant.

Also, because they can’t decide on capitalization.

How about you go E-fuck yourself, because you don’t know what you’re E-talking about? Aside from e-mail, which actually has a meaning still, E is just another meaningless prefix that’s out of date.

Clearly, they need to hire people to prepare in an iBusiness plan, persons with iBusiness and iLearning experience. Information superhighway experience on the world wide web a bonus!

It’s the most overused and under-defined word in the English language now. Yes, it’s bypassed “fact” now, that’s how bad it is.

Hollywood Video employees get a newsletter titled “Leverage the Power of One.” Commercials say “Learn the power of leverage! Learn what leverage is!” to lure you to bullshit business seminars. “Leverage your gold into cash!” “Leverage the social psychology of social networking media!” Even game developers aren’t immune. “We also wanted to leverage some content from our existing environments.” Leverage the synergy into an actualization of the paradigm!

Business jargon has a special place in our society, certainly, particularly where it can be used instead of everyday language. It’s a wonderful tool to confuse people into thinking something is a good idea, and leverage is the keystone in the obfuscation arch.

You know what leverage actually is? Debt. That’s it. It’s the debt most companies run in permanently, so they can keep paying people from that and expanding the business without actually cutting into the profits. When a company is called “highly leveraged” it’s running way more debt than income, and is essentially fucked. All the companies that just went out this year without giving final paychecks? Highly leveraged.

Of course, that definition has disappeared into the mists, hasn’t it? “Leverage the Power of One” is pretty meaningless now, unless the company considers the employees to be a debt.

Come to think of it, that’s possible knowing that company. But I digress. Now it’s a word that is used in the place of any verb, EVER, to make something sound legit, or at the very least important. Most of the time, it’s INSTANT MONEY NOW DOT COM DOT OMG DOT INFO. I’d bet 9 out of 10 times I hear the word, there’s a .info domain attached, and we all know what that means, don’t we?

That applies just as much to the one out of ten times it’s not utter crap, it’s still crap. If it’s a real usage, it means running in debt, which I think we’ve figured out doesn’t work by now. If it’s a scam, the word is being used in place of “use” or “apply.”

Now go out there with this new knowledge, leverage your intelligence to shift some paradigms outside the box, keep it dynamic, show the rest of the Reaganauts how to do it!