Entries Tagged 'Food' ↓

I know I’m a little odd in how much attention I pay to anthropomorphized foodstuffs. I acknowledge that. I also expect a fair amount of this in the world, be it as a dancing non-edible mascot, or sapient but unaware version of the food (or one eager to be eaten) even. Or one that apparently knows it’ll be eaten after it dies.

Even the M&M commercials implicate being eaten as an annoyance at most. As if they simply regenerate whatever is bitten off, or reincarnate spontaneously, though it’s a little offputting.

But Hot Pockets really jumped the shark on this one with the sideshots “Brothers” commercial. Food introduces itself. Okay. Food says “Hey, we’re brothers!” Okay. One of the three sideshots is grabbed by an offscreen hand and eaten, leaving the other two shaking in terror.

Now we’ve got a problem. Sapient food grieving for lost siblings as it pleads for its mortality is NOT on the list of things I’m up for eating. Sure it’s just a commercial, but the idea is firmly planted and thoroughly terrible. What the fuck was Nestle thinking? There are autistic kids rocking in their chairs right now all over the country.

Yes, I’ll still post recipes here. Did I post any before? I can’t remember.

Well, here’s one.

Ingredients:

• Whipped/Heavy Cream, preferably in a spray can.
• Chocolate syrup, milk or dark, preferably in a squeeze bottle.
• 1/4 graham cracker (optional)

Instructions:

• Open whipped cream, syrup.
• Open mouth, tilt head back.
• Spray whipped cream into mouth.
• Insert graham cracker into mouth.
• Squeeze syrup into mouth.
• Close mouth, swish (crunching if necessary).
• Aw yiss!

The only food as good or better than manicotti is, of course, the devilled egg. But it’s Thanksgiving tomorrow, and I feel like doing something special, so I’ve taken it upon myself to investigate.

I present: DEVILLED BACONEGGS. Bacon Salt of the peppered and cheddar varieties, miracle whip, cajun seasoning, a touch of seasoned salt, spicy brown mustard (French’s/Gliden), and garlic granules.

They may be a teeeeeny bit dry, filling-wise. I’d rather underdo it a bit though rather than over-mayo it.

Fortunately, I’ve now gotten my shake on, but even with the stores open there was a surprising challenge. Nobody seems to just make cheap ice cream anymore. Even the Kroger brand, unusable for anything else (as Kroger brands often are), now only seems to have “Premium Ice Cream.” Dreyer’s/Edy’s, depending on your coast, is now a premium, as is Breyer’s. Even the old gallon buckets of cheap ice cream seem to have taken on the moniker. Also, they lacked both a strawberry or a cookies and cream flavor, which are needed for a proper Strawboreo shake.

The only genuine cheap-ass ice cream I could find wasn’t ice cream. I don’t know what makes it NOT ice cream, the ingredients list seemed normal. But I admit, something about it just seems…off.

It’s the simple things in life…

That piss me off the most. I spent all day looking for a simple fucking milkshake. I went to two Wal-Marts to get ice cream. Both closed due to water damage. I went to QuikTrip. Their milkshakes are self-serve, you put the cup in the machine, it blends that fucker up, and you enjoy. Not anymore. The milkshakes are there, but now they’ve expanded to include Reese’s and Butterfinger flavors. Anyone with a nut allergy, such as myself, is fucked.

I gave up a while, and tonight said “fuck it, I’m just hitting the grocery store.” The website said they’re open until 11:30. It was only 10:30, I was set.

I asked someone a simple yes or no question before leaving, which it took them a full half hour to answer. The website fucking lied, the store closed at 11.

I get no milkshake today. Every attempt has been thwarted, and now every store is closed.

It’s a simple thing. Totally minor, and yet I am filled with rage over this. No rational reason, just that I’ve spent a solid hour or more of my day trying to get a simple thing done, and it’s been utterly impossible on every level.

Fuck.

If I’d known, as a child, how easy it is to imitate and even surpass Combos filling, I’d have probably saved a lot of money. I mean, if all I need is pizza sauce, cheese, and a microwave (though a little bacon salt and pepperoni help too), I’d have spent my money and time on that, not buying oversalted tiny snack packs.

Actually, I’m lying. I spent my money on them because we were poor and didn’t have a microwave until I was thirteen, and I’m still absolutely awful at making cheese sauces on a stovetop. I’d have to make too much at once, when the idea is just enough to go on a cracker, pretzel, or hot dog.

I know they don’t have hot dog combos yet, but they used to have cheese-stuffed hot dogs. Give it a year, they’ll have pizzadogs. Meanwhile, I’ll just have mine chili-dog style. Only, you know, not.

OreOCD:The compulsive need to keep cookies within a package even. If one row has more than another, they’re evened out, and any that offset the rows are eaten (usually just one or two). If the rows are even, you always eat an equal number to the amount of rows.

Toasted corn is awesome. It’s like Fritos, but bigger and without 5000 chemicals. And like Fritos, you can add it to other foods and it’s great.

I’ve discovered that various flavors of toasted corn add flavor and texture to chili, red beans and rice, mashed potatoes, pot pie, or anything else that’s semi-dry and in a bowl or tortilla. I may even try some in a taco today. It doesn’t work cooked in, but throw it on top and it’s great.

Today, I use my website to endorse corndiments.

You know, not that long ago when I’d never seen it before, I saw chocolate honeycomb on sale. I thought “Hey, that looks good. Huh. Honeycomb? Weird. I guess it might be like that waffle stuff they use in kit-kats, but honeyish. But I’d feel bad.”

Why? Because I’d be eating someone’s home of course.

Fortunately, I learned it was just molasses later and now enjoy it.

Today in communications class, we went over some of the things that interfere with listening. Noise, distraction, interruption, glazing over.

“I always wonder what people are thinking about when their eyes glass over”, she asked, possibly rhetorically. But I knew. I always know. It’s always the same.

Pie.

…just me? I remind you cheesecake is actually a type of pie.

Just sayin’.