I like fruit. A lot. It’s delicious. Well…I like citrus. And berries.

But fruit doesn’t like me. Especially not mangoes. They’re so good, but I have a problem.

I never know when the hell it’s ripe. Is it good to be soft? Hard? Does it go thunk or squish? Does the color change?

Mangoes sure don’t know what they’re doing. They can be any damn color they want and be ready. They have a strong scent from the stem, except when they don’t. They’re soft and easily squeezed, unless they’re not. And they seem to actually be ripe for a period of 6 hours, then it’s too damn late.

I throw more mangoes away than I get to eat. I feel bad for it, like I’m the cause of world hunger, with my mango-lust.

I could go back to peaches, those are easy and good but they’re just not the same. And mangosteen, that’s a god damn lie. Not a mango at all! Stupid linguistic coincidence.

There should be a wiki for fruit. But like all wikis, someone would start arguing that durians smell like fresh cut roses, bananas are ripe when they turn brown, marijuana is a fruit, and jews control the Florida orange market and did WTC with their citrus money.

For now, I’ll just eat a lot of meat and be fat.