Entries Tagged 'Frustration' ↓

Then I saw this.

Holy. Shit.

Not an SIW ad!

It’s not that self-insert books are rare, self-insert fanfic is common, and lots of companies make audiobooks with someone’s name as the main character.

This, though…they have at least two vampire books. I’m guessing somewhere around ten, in reality. When did vampires get ruined, again? I know there was the original movie jump from terrifying demonic things to charming evil, but when did they become the omnipotent heroes who can do anything but they’re GENTLE WITH ME OMG SO PERFECT?

Is this even necessary, really? Isn’t the whole thing about Twilight that Bella is so completely personalityless (and Edward and Jacob for that matter), that you simply step right into her shoes? Even her name is just a term of endearment.

God damn it.

Forever, really. Every year Valentine’s Day comes and goes, and every year I see ad blitzes for romantic comedies, overpriced teddy bears, and pajama deliveries.

Nobody actually likes the day. People in relationships hate the pressure it adds. Single people hate the reminders of being anywhere from an extra wheel to a second class citizen. Valentine’s is when you remember you are very much alone, that you were passed over for a promotion because you weren’t married and the other guy had a wife to pay for (true story for me and several friends), and that one chick decided instead of spending the day with you as planned she’d go spend the weekend with a guy she met the night before. Or that the woman you went on that fantastic date with will talk about how she doesn’t want a relationship with anyone.

It’s a crappy day for everyone who isn’t selling flowers. Although to be fair, more and more companies get in on the act. Even Sony is offering Valentine’s promotions on the Playstation Network, and NHL 10 has gotten Valentine’s related in-game ads. Really, I find the in-game ads most puzzling, the demographic least likely to celebrate Valentine’s gets the most intrusive ads.

But nobody ACTUALLY celebrates Valentine’s. People just get depressed on it over never living up to expectations. Even Christmas manages to come out as a better day for most people, even Thanksgiving which has two fights built in. There’s no real romance to the day, it’s “Hey, look what I’ve got and you don’t” at most. It’s a damn near objectivist holiday. A purer form of consumerism than Christmas has become, and how better to celebrate the martyrdoms of two Saints named Valentine? Buy some crap you nor your partner will like. A cheap paper sentiment, chalk flavored candy with illiterate scrawling, some bad chocolate, and according to the commercials, sit in adjacent tubs while your resurrected erection goes to waste after popping a pill.

I say to hell with it, it’s time to recognize this day as the blight of a social obligation it is, wherein you’re forced to spend exorbitant amounts of money on shit, or be reminded that nobody will ever love you.That if you buy less than the next guy (and let’s be fair, it’s usually men who have to buy all this), you don’t love your partner as much. But you can ask a Walgreens gift advisor for help fixing that! Buy more mylar balloons! Buy more bags of fattening candy that’s somehow worse than candy corn, but is purchased anyway because of the heart shapes! Enjoy the continued ad blitz wherein every break is composed of Vermont Teddy Bear, Cialis, Pajamagram, Cialis, Vermont Teddy Bear.

It’s my belief that we must immediately begin calling Valentine’s VD. Clearly it IS a disease, leading to poverty, depression, and self-injury, so the moniker is appropriate. Beyond that, given time, it should acquire RAS (redundant acronym syndrome) syndrome, as with PIN number and ATM machine.. Soon everyone will call it VD Day, and perhaps, given the unpleasant connotation forget about it entirely. Nobody’s going to buy a Vermont Teddy Bear or Pajamagram (which, by the way, are part of the same company) for VD Day.

Fuck you. It’s not. It’s actually the opposite difference. See, that’s how difference works, it’s DIFFERENT.

I don’t generally spend my time on colloquialisms, but I find myself infinitely annoyed by this one. Perhaps it’s being mathematically inclined that bothers me, despite we’re usually referring to names or things saying “same difference.” But it’s still wrong.

“Phoenix, Tuscon, same difference.” But no. See, the differences are that one is not Phoenix, and one is not Tucson. And that’s just the obvious ones. Completely opposite differences, it turns out, just like I said. One north, one south, one hotter, one colder.

Hey, I didn’t say they’d all be comedy gold, I can be annoyed however I want.

Remember when it used to be a channel with educational programming? They’d show operations, talk about history, medicine, all sorts of general knowledge.

What happened?

At any given point, TLC has become Lifetime 2, the sluttier, less informed little sister of the original. You know the one, the really cheery one who’s always pregnant and never stops gossiping, then says something REALLY stupid. At any given time (really, go ahead and check this yourself) TLC is running one of threefour things.(Edited because yep, somehow I’d left that at three. Thanks for the hate, MxMx)

Jon and Kate Plus 8
I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant
A Baby Story
Little People, Big World

You’ll also catch a ton of What Not To Wear and Say Yes To The Dress, or Wild Weddings. Plenty of Table for Twelve and Five under 5 too.

So what’s our common theme? Baby baby baby small people who we project child-like tendencies onto marriage marriage baby baby.

ONE of these shows has some educational value, and not much, but fashion is something one learns at least, so What Not To Wear has a mildly redeeming value if you put a gun to my head, but barely raises itself from the absolute ticking biological clock glurge of clown car vaginas and worn out uteri.

Protip:Most of these families are not good people. Especially Jon and Kate. It’s very clear the latter is a HORRIBLY controlling person, probably would be abusive if not for cameras, and just look at the hair. It screams “control freak.” I never knew hair could do that, but there it is. Well, that or “MASSIVELY BIPOLAR”, with the long on one side, short on the other, shaved in back. It’s a haircut that allows her just enough to look feminine, but the rest will do exactly what she wants and fuck you if you disobey while screaming “PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!”.

Okay, maybe that’s a little far, but I doubt it. And I digress.

Wait, nevermind, it’s not. UPDATE FOR THE LULZ from Us Weekly:

Kate Gosselin says her spiky bob hairstyle reflects her feisty personality. “It’s my attitude! Everybody wants it. It’s work,” she tells Entertainment Weekly. “I have very, very thick hair, so it’s not going to work for everybody,” she says. “I’ve seen people come through the book line with thin hair and it just won’t work. My hair stylist gets calls from all across the country.”

The Learning Channel sucks. I don’t want to watch horrible people who got famous for a lack of self-control and condoms all day, I don’t want to see catty fashion talk(if I did, I’d watch Ugly Betty). I want learning, not overpopulation.

TLC, either change your format back, or change your name to Lifetime 2. Your call, but you can’t keep the name and the programming, it’s false advertising.

I like fruit. A lot. It’s delicious. Well…I like citrus. And berries.

But fruit doesn’t like me. Especially not mangoes. They’re so good, but I have a problem.

I never know when the hell it’s ripe. Is it good to be soft? Hard? Does it go thunk or squish? Does the color change?

Mangoes sure don’t know what they’re doing. They can be any damn color they want and be ready. They have a strong scent from the stem, except when they don’t. They’re soft and easily squeezed, unless they’re not. And they seem to actually be ripe for a period of 6 hours, then it’s too damn late.

I throw more mangoes away than I get to eat. I feel bad for it, like I’m the cause of world hunger, with my mango-lust.

I could go back to peaches, those are easy and good but they’re just not the same. And mangosteen, that’s a god damn lie. Not a mango at all! Stupid linguistic coincidence.

There should be a wiki for fruit. But like all wikis, someone would start arguing that durians smell like fresh cut roses, bananas are ripe when they turn brown, marijuana is a fruit, and jews control the Florida orange market and did WTC with their citrus money.

For now, I’ll just eat a lot of meat and be fat.