Entries Tagged 'Humor' ↓

It’s a regular bra, by the way. Not a sports bra.

I couldn’t get a front angle on this, but it had a neon print on the front, much like the 1990s “Malibu”, “California”, and “Hawaii” shirts. I tried. Sorry. It was colored like the bra, though.

Come to think of it, maybe it was pink bra day at Wal-Mart.

They’re presenting it as the adaptation of life, and people learning to live within the twilight bands and probably underground like we’re Twi’leks or something, but guys, it’s been done before, and in a WAY more awesome way by Mr. Ryan North via T-Rex.

Click it for the full comic! It doesn’t fit in my meager central column, T-Rex cannot be constrained by these proportions!

PS, Dinosaur Comics are awesome in general.

Today, I went to Pizza Hut. I was picking up a pizza for my father, who’s undergoing chemo right now. Unsurprisingly, getting something that even tastes okay is a challenge, so when he thought that sounded good, I jumped.

I also spent my only $5 I’ve got for my own pleasure this month on a delicious 4 pack of Stuffed Pizza Rollers, which I haven’t had in ages, but have not forgotten the joy of.

Upon my exit from the store, a woman in a dirty white t-shirt with large gold hoop earrings stopped me. “I was going to ask the guy inside for help but I’m going to an abuse shelter in the morning with my kids and my grandmother. We’re staying in a motel right now and don’t have any money for food, can you order something please?” My first instinct was disbelief. I’ve spent a lot of time around people who are making up stories, afterall, from my retail work in the ghetto. You learn which people are really on hard times and want some food versus who needs a little crack money fast, especially when they try to sell you a Banquet frozen dinner.

But, I’m not omniscient. I could be wrong, and while I had no spare money, I knew I didn’t NEED the pizza rollers. A little sadly, afterall, I’m a fat guy who had a tasty treat, I handed them over. She ran to her truck, parked just a space from me and handed them to someone on the other side saying “Here, save these for the kids.” I would have liked a thank you, certainly, but maybe she had other things on her mind. I probably would, and she ran into Pizza Hut immediately.

As I pulled out, I saw a guy on the other side of the truck. “That’s a guy!” my brain said. “And he looks like an asshole! And he’s just glaring at me, you can at least give me a “thank you” courtesy wave or nod!” It was followed by “Fuck, I bet she was just trying to con me for a meal. Well, she told him to save it for the kids, anyway. If they can’t afford something for them that’s fine, but they shouldn’t be lying about it.”

Cut to 20 minutes ago. I experimented in the kitchen with pita bread and cheese, attempting to recreate the lost tastytreat. The first attempt was too crispy, but had a good flavor. The second was closer in texture, but the flavor wasn’t as good and it was too wet. Mentally, the thought popped up “God damn it, I really wanted those. That was the last five bucks I had for eating out, she’d fucking better have been battered!”

A few moments passed. Of course, much like REM sleep it probably all happened within the span of a second, but it sure seemed like a long time in my mind.

I knew what I’d just thought, afterall. And then the next thought popped up. “Wait, that’s horrible. I think I’d rather have just been conned for five bucks.”

For once, I really hope my charity offering was just me being a sucker. I didn’t ever think I’d think or say that, but there it is. I also know there’s an insensitive prick in my barely-conscious thoughts now, but I kinda figured he was there a long time ago, having moved in as a response to my habit of dating emotionally draining/abusive crazy women with severe personality disorders.

But I still hope I was just a sucker this time, because I just had an awkward moment in my own head, by myself. I didn’t know that was even possible.

With apologies to George Lucas, who I hope never sends me a cease and desist order.

Do your expeditions always result in casualties?

Are you sick of the countless wasted hours spent in an ancient ruins throwing bags of rocks and remote droids down every hall to set off falling celiings, spike pits, shock floors, and who knows what else?

Do you still get injured due to traps that only react to certain conditions that only organics seem to set off?

Well waste time and lives no more! Hire Admiral Ackbar’s Adventure Assistants! Yes Admiral Ackbar’s Adventure Assistants work cheap and they work well. They always scout ten feet ahead of you in any situation and come for far less than Calrissian’s Crawlers! Calrissian’s Crawlers are often ex-mercenaries who want the treasure you seek for themselves! When you hire from Ackbar, you get a sharp-eyed Mon Calamari who scouts ten feet ahead at all times. When your young Mon Calamari senses the slightest hint of danger, he’ll yell “It’s a trap!” at the top of his lungs and bolt down the nearest safe path to the exit, providing you with a clear way out that won’t result in grievous bodily harm!

And that’s because Admiral Ackbar’s Adventure Assistants come with a quality guarantee! Admiral Ackbar only hires college archaeology students as interns desperately seeking credit who want nothing more than to just go home, just like the Admiral himself at the Battle of Endor. Admiral Ackbar’s Adventure Assistants consider safety to be job one, two, and any other number a Givin can come up with! Forget Calrissian’s Crawlers, that is unless you want a face full of acid and no artifacts to sell off to pay for the expensive reconstructive surgery!

Remember, if it’s not Admiral Ackbar’s Adventure Assistants, it’s a trap!