Entries Tagged 'Illness' ↓

Strep turned into that horrible watery runny nose thing. No mucus, just water, constant water running out of my nose, the kind that runs so much so fast so long that you run through an entire box of tissues from constant dripping in a day.

Also, canker sores. Usually happens when I’m sick, but damn is that ever annoying.

24 hours of massive cayenne pepper consumption and that fucker his history, as well as several doses of coffee with a cayenne-cinnamon blend, and a few hits of cold milkshake with spirulina powder. I’m feeling pretty good overall, only a slight hint of soreness in my throat, no more swelling, no more scratchy pain.

Of course, now I’ve got a runny nose. And fever blisters. And my antiseptic spray expired in July 2007. So it’s not a total win, but 52 ounces of Brawndo should take care of that come tomorrow, if it doesn’t go away on its own.

Oh, and also my farts are on fire. I don’t need a lighter, they’re self-igniting after all the Cayenne I ate. If this were the 70s, I’d be torching Vietnamese buildings with these things.

I’m weak, I’m battered, I’m beaten. I’m lethargic, energyless, unshaven, in desperate need of a shower, but I’m alive. Barely. Turns out no matter how many Ensures you drink, when you’re not digesting a damn thing for four days, you’re going to need a day or two to rebuilt.

Particularly when day one was the special kind of vomiting where I threw up at least seven times. Not just the “HURNK okay done” kind, either. The “HRNK. HRRRRRRRRRRNK. HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNK. Okay…okay I’m empty, I HRRRRRRRRRRRRNK oh god I can’t HHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRNK breathe HRRRRRRRRRRRRNK nothing… is even HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNK” kind.

Or, “The E. Coli Dilema.” If you’re not firing from both ends, it’s not E. Coli, but that’s the problem. When you feel so sick and your intestines hurt so bad it says “Screw this man, I’m not taking any more. Go back the way you came.” When you’re hunched over in pain and that warning comes up. The slow, creeping sour flavor, the burning stench of bile in your throat.

You know what’s coming. It’s inevitable, but what do you do? Unless you already knew you were sick, you don’t have a bucket with you, which would be the safest option. Instead, unless you’re fortunate enough to be using a Japanese toilet, you have to make the call. Do you flip? A quick wipe and a switch to your knees means far less cleanup, more comfort, less splash. Unless you cramp up so hard your bowels decide they’re not done. Then the cleanup is exponentially worse.

Or you can pull the shower curtain, lean hard, and let rip. That, however, means a lot more cleaning, which you never want when you’re already sick. Can’t let it sit, though, and unless you’re “lucky” enough that it’s purely bile or mostly dry, you have to get on it before it starts to stick to the tub or mat.

It’s the snitch’s dilemma, played out by your digestive tract. If you take a chance, you might walk out free by turning your partner in. Or you might turn each other in and pay an even worse price than if you’d both just shut up.

All I know is that I’m glad I went for the shower this morning.