By playing the earworm chorus an average of once every 4 minutes.
First, fuck you, My Chemical Romance, for selling your awful song to at least three commercials in a 3 day span. Second, fuck you awful commercials for buying it.
But most of all, fuck you Sims 3 ad buyer for making sure the song runs at least twice a break on the late night 18-25 year old markets, who are, by the way, your least likely Sims purchasers to begin with. And even if they had some enjoyment, I think you just got rid of them by being more annoying than an eDiets commercial.
I hope the person in charge of this dies by sustained exposure to a 200 DB noise.
I’m not generally one to get up in arms about American Idol, aside from the fact I say “Seriously?” once a year or so at the end.
So in fact I’m not at all surprised about the fact Adam Lambert is going to win American Idol, though I figured he’d be beating Allison at least in the finals (another bad call, America!). I mean, personally, I was down with Anoop, who had the best stage presence and vocal growth of anyone on the show, but she seemed like the obvious second.
I’m just surprised he got beyond the auditions at all, and I’m surprised just how popular he is beyond the screaming girls demographic (PS-He’s probably gay, what with the video of him kissing other guys, but hey, maybe just emosexual, because no self-respecting gay man should be caught looking like he does).
Now I always expect them to vote for David Cook or Sanjaya, I do. But Adam Lambert is inexplicably popular beyond them. And beyond middle aged housewives who loved Taylor Hicks and Clay Aiken.
I can’t figure out why.
Adam has performed the same thing every week. He’s never experimented with an arrangement. He’s never taken a risk, he’s never tested his range. He’s never sung with any emotion whatsoever, but he does always look like he’s going to cry. Never any other expression during a song, though.
With absolute consistency, Adam has sang in the same range every week, usually as close to the original arrangement as possible. He’s hit all the notes certainly, I won’t fault him for being a little pitchy, dog. He’s right on key. He’s robotically on key, even, as if during the song, his only thought is “am I on key?” It likely is. And then he ends the song with an extended high note. And that’s nice for him that he can sing in the Mariah Carey range, but even she doesn’t have to go there in every song.
But the bigger issue is the total lack of emotion. I know emo kids only feel when they cut themselves, but I thought they still expressed themselves badly via music. He doesn’t. Adam Lambert has the emotional impact of Celine Dion. Pretty words, pretty notes, but completely lacking any soul. The ultimate proof came when he covered Ring of Fire. Nobody would say Johnny Cash was famous for hitting tricky notes. Johnny Cash was great because his songs had real emotion and feeling behind them, and even Adam’s biggest fans thought it was a horrible performance. He hit all the notes, he stayed on key, he performed the song fine. But it was hollow, and for once, it was obvious to everyone.
And that’s how it always is. It’s a performance for Adam, a series of notes to sing. As long as they’re on pitch, it doesn’t matter to him, and sadly, it doesn’t matter to most of the audience. As long as he looks ready to cry and he struts, they’ll eat it up, even though it’s the same thing he sang last week.
When his album comes out, it’s going to end up sounding like one song with high notes every three minutes, but until people hear him without seeing him, they won’t figure it out. Nobody will ever be moved by anything he writes or sings, but it’ll all be very pretty and easy to listen to. Just like Celine Dion.
And he’ll make his money on awful ballads that suddenly end with huge notes at the end. Just like Celine Dion.
And he’ll marry the guy who’s twice his age and produced his records, writing annoying songs about him with him. Say it with me now…
Just like Celine Dion!