What has the world come to? Deciding to take advantage of the generous return policy of Fry’s Electronics since I’d already allocated myself the $100 I got back from the bad X-fi sound card, I took a look around the buyer’s remorse section of the audio hardware.

I picked up a set of Soundblaster Arena headphones. The last time I got a set of surround sound headphones it was a Zalman 6. They sounded amazing, to be fair, but promptly melted down after 6 months, which was the same problem everyone had it turned out. And they had three headphone jacks, they were, in fact, six speakers built into headphones.

Now it’s a USB set that’s its own damn sound card built in, two excellent headphones, a microphone, and proper function. So the USB headphones work better than the new sound card. What the fuck, world? I never thought I’d be happy with a set of $80 headphones, but it’s $20 less than what I already had to spend on a sound card upgrade/replacement and now I don’t have to buy a set of headphones or speakers.

On the downside, I didn’t bleed at all during the installation, so I’m not sure they’ll really hold out. I’ll see if further sacrifice is needed.

The Hollywood Video I used to work at closed today, sadly, thanks to the extreme incompetence and perhaps even deliberately bad decisions of the corporate offices. So, as was our tradition when anyone left, a sign was altered in a nerdy movie joke fashion. This time? Logan’s Run was the source.

All arguments need to have a “with an exception according to the involvement of Batman” clause.

I had someone point out the old “Could a lightsaber cut through Superman” debate to me. A lightsaber is a focused, concentrated plasma beam. Superman has flown through plasma with no issues at all in the past, and despite what some think, the color of a lightsaber has no effect on a blade’s energy. A red saber doesn’t have anything to do with a red sun. In fact, if anything would hurt him, it would likely be a purple lightsaber which uses Hurrikain, a crystal used by Mace Windu that negates armor, or light blue for use of Opilia, which cuts through resistant materials. Superman’s skin could be considered either.

That aside, he’s been hit with all kinds of plasma, and since that’s shown to be a non-issue, the answer becomes “No, no it could not, with a remainder of Batman.” This is because Batman is a technical wizard and damn close to supernatural from raw determination and talent alone. He has the ability to modify a saber most likely, and is known to keep Kryptonite with him just in case Superman starts to get a little too dickish. Kryptonite has a habit of being crystalline, and even when not, Batman would recognize the need for a crystalline form. If he needed to use a lightsaber against Superman, he would simply add a Kryptonian crystal of some sort to the blade, rendering it effective against Superman as the beam itself would carry that Kryptonian electromagnetic radiation (whether that’s an artifact of Krypton or the process that created Kryptonite isn’t something I’m aware of).

So while the lightsaber, normally, wouldn’t be effective, when Batman is involved, it’s going to be. This applies to all arguments, and I shall present more examples later.

For the extra nerdy here-Mr. Terrific would, of course, be able to install the crystal, but his knowledge of the need for it, how to produce it, or to get the resources for it would be the barrier in this case. However, where a Batman modifier fails, a Mr. Terrific one should apply.

With apologies to George Lucas, who I hope never sends me a cease and desist order.

Do your expeditions always result in casualties?

Are you sick of the countless wasted hours spent in an ancient ruins throwing bags of rocks and remote droids down every hall to set off falling celiings, spike pits, shock floors, and who knows what else?

Do you still get injured due to traps that only react to certain conditions that only organics seem to set off?

Well waste time and lives no more! Hire Admiral Ackbar’s Adventure Assistants! Yes Admiral Ackbar’s Adventure Assistants work cheap and they work well. They always scout ten feet ahead of you in any situation and come for far less than Calrissian’s Crawlers! Calrissian’s Crawlers are often ex-mercenaries who want the treasure you seek for themselves! When you hire from Ackbar, you get a sharp-eyed Mon Calamari who scouts ten feet ahead at all times. When your young Mon Calamari senses the slightest hint of danger, he’ll yell “It’s a trap!” at the top of his lungs and bolt down the nearest safe path to the exit, providing you with a clear way out that won’t result in grievous bodily harm!

And that’s because Admiral Ackbar’s Adventure Assistants come with a quality guarantee! Admiral Ackbar only hires college archaeology students as interns desperately seeking credit who want nothing more than to just go home, just like the Admiral himself at the Battle of Endor. Admiral Ackbar’s Adventure Assistants consider safety to be job one, two, and any other number a Givin can come up with! Forget Calrissian’s Crawlers, that is unless you want a face full of acid and no artifacts to sell off to pay for the expensive reconstructive surgery!

Remember, if it’s not Admiral Ackbar’s Adventure Assistants, it’s a trap!