Entries Tagged 'STD' ↓

In the process of getting my physical, I came to realize just how much of a worrier I am. I’m pretty sure this is the same thing that happens to everyone, though. You go in, you get poked and prodded, and suddenly your brain goes into overdrive.

“Oh god, I’m scared of the test results!”

Whether or not there’s any reason to be, and more importantly, as if the test results have anything to do with things. They’re only and indicator of what’s already happening! But the human mind wants to  assign blame for what hasn’t happened and may not ever happen. “Oh god I MUST HAVE THE AIDS!” it says for absolutely no reason. “My cholesterol is going to be sky high! I’m a walking heart attack!” follows. “Cancer! I have testicular cancer!”

It never goes to simple things, like “I could lose a little weight” or “Well, my cholesterol is a touch high, but I’ve been changing how I eat so that’s going down anyway.” It’s always a worst case scenario, thinking about that tiny, tiny lump that you know biologically belongs there anyway, or that one questionable encounter with that one questionable girl. Odds be damned, it’s always something terrible that you never thought of before that you MUST have now.

It’s a three day wait for “Oh god. The doctor calls with results thursday, but it’s not going to be the “You’re fine!”, it’s going to be the “I need you to come down to my office” because Arizona law mandates positive AIDS test results be delivered in person!”

Intellectually I’m entirely aware that ANY results are a benefit to me. I’m sure most people are when they get their tests. If against all odds I was a walking heart attack with AIDS and testicular cancer I’d be better off knowing so I could treat it. Instead, my primate brain says “ook ook you’ll live forever if you don’t know ook ook!”, not “Hey, that’s good, your heart won’t explode and shower HIV on everyone around you since you can treat the problem!”

Stupid primate brain.

Forever, really. Every year Valentine’s Day comes and goes, and every year I see ad blitzes for romantic comedies, overpriced teddy bears, and pajama deliveries.

Nobody actually likes the day. People in relationships hate the pressure it adds. Single people hate the reminders of being anywhere from an extra wheel to a second class citizen. Valentine’s is when you remember you are very much alone, that you were passed over for a promotion because you weren’t married and the other guy had a wife to pay for (true story for me and several friends), and that one chick decided instead of spending the day with you as planned she’d go spend the weekend with a guy she met the night before. Or that the woman you went on that fantastic date with will talk about how she doesn’t want a relationship with anyone.

It’s a crappy day for everyone who isn’t selling flowers. Although to be fair, more and more companies get in on the act. Even Sony is offering Valentine’s promotions on the Playstation Network, and NHL 10 has gotten Valentine’s related in-game ads. Really, I find the in-game ads most puzzling, the demographic least likely to celebrate Valentine’s gets the most intrusive ads.

But nobody ACTUALLY celebrates Valentine’s. People just get depressed on it over never living up to expectations. Even Christmas manages to come out as a better day for most people, even Thanksgiving which has two fights built in. There’s no real romance to the day, it’s “Hey, look what I’ve got and you don’t” at most. It’s a damn near objectivist holiday. A purer form of consumerism than Christmas has become, and how better to celebrate the martyrdoms of two Saints named Valentine? Buy some crap you nor your partner will like. A cheap paper sentiment, chalk flavored candy with illiterate scrawling, some bad chocolate, and according to the commercials, sit in adjacent tubs while your resurrected erection goes to waste after popping a pill.

I say to hell with it, it’s time to recognize this day as the blight of a social obligation it is, wherein you’re forced to spend exorbitant amounts of money on shit, or be reminded that nobody will ever love you.That if you buy less than the next guy (and let’s be fair, it’s usually men who have to buy all this), you don’t love your partner as much. But you can ask a Walgreens gift advisor for help fixing that! Buy more mylar balloons! Buy more bags of fattening candy that’s somehow worse than candy corn, but is purchased anyway because of the heart shapes! Enjoy the continued ad blitz wherein every break is composed of Vermont Teddy Bear, Cialis, Pajamagram, Cialis, Vermont Teddy Bear.

It’s my belief that we must immediately begin calling Valentine’s VD. Clearly it IS a disease, leading to poverty, depression, and self-injury, so the moniker is appropriate. Beyond that, given time, it should acquire RAS (redundant acronym syndrome) syndrome, as with PIN number and ATM machine.. Soon everyone will call it VD Day, and perhaps, given the unpleasant connotation forget about it entirely. Nobody’s going to buy a Vermont Teddy Bear or Pajamagram (which, by the way, are part of the same company) for VD Day.

Well look who’s back! So fast. This time, I got an email with the subject line “PLEASE SOMEONE KILL STEVE JOBS.” Yes, it’s our batshit friend from before, and a few things I’m noticing. The name is initialed as STD. Heehee. The switch in tone is so rapid and strange that I can’t decide if I should call troll on this, or if we’re talking about the next Timecube. This one is much, MUCH longer than the last one, so I’ll give you a teaser, and the rest is after the cut.

BRITNEY IS MINE!!!

Dear Scientists,
IF YOU DO NOT COMPLY WITH THIS ORDER
YOU WILL BE KILLED SOON.

You as a scientist bare the responsibility to save
humanity, the code to infinity as been cracked and i
am here to give you the data.

Continue reading →

The best part of owning a website isn’t those fat stacks of cash (ha, there aren’t any!), it’s the ridiculous email that finds its way to my inbox.

Enjoy. There’s a link in there to his/her youtube page too, which is also rather batshit, but mostly what you’ve read here.

~ Science Like No Other ~

I have all the secrets of infinity in my hands,
i really want to spread it to as many scientists
as possible. so here i go.

here’s a simple scientific test you can experiement
with.

wear black clothes and go to a busy mall
you will notice your mind really hurts, this
is because black colors ( or dark colors )
are pulling other humans imagination and bringing
them to close to you and you read it.

this causes stress especially when you are
surrounded by religious people or something.

but when you WEAR WHITE CLOTHES..
the opposite is true, you reject everyones idealogy
and you get to feel free with your own science.

your own imagination is not disturbed.

you can optimize and re-test this if you want.
you can even wax the body hair you have
and dye your hair to yellow or white.

trust me, this is extreme science like no other
and i have it cracked, this can be used to
stop aging, reverse aging,

we can use this to time travel, be immortal
and make money too

because infinity’s law suggests the more people
you spread this truth to of, the more money
you are likely to make. ( it’s the reward you
get from infinity for giving people the secret )

so tell people to wear white ( be nice, by force
is prohibited by federal law of infinity ).

or just wear white clothes and walk around
shopping malls, you become a role model
and your influence alone will earn you money.

WHITE as you know is a color that pushes
while BLACK is a color that pulls light.

so imagine if you were made up of light
and you were wearing black clothes.

you’d age faster than anyone else.

if you were wearing white, because it pushes
the light back, you could stop yourself
from aging.

try experiementing this with luxury places
because there is a competition going on, on earth.

it’s as if everyones soul has some jealousy
inside them and they do not like it when
someone is about to spread the truth and rise
into power.

so keep yourself safe, experienment around
luxury stores where your safety is not jeapordized.

if you are a highly scientific person, try avoiding
conversation with highly religious people.

my own great parents are religious, so i am not
talking to them not even on the phone.

their voice and the way they think can interfier
with my imagination and distort the science
i am working on.

please feel free to ask me for more information
i am on youtube right now

youtube.com/summertimedancings
post comments on my channel i’ll respond 24/7
to every question you have.

on my youtube page i found david’s video wow
i really want to give this guy all the secrets i have
he can put it into media, become a billionaire
and spark a revolution that can save us all.

i mean all of us, we are all about to become
immortal supreme beings.

all we have to do is wear white clothes
and be obsessed with white stuff.

very simple.

this is no joke, i am about to get this party started

Summer Time Dance

Woo! Hows about dem subtle racist ideas in there? If you’re not a good aryan you’re absorbing everyone else’s thoughts and feelings! Start bleachin’ that skin to go with the body hair!