Entries Tagged 'TV' ↓

“If you’re using the leading toothpaste, you may be missing a key ingredient for a healthy mouth.” 10 seconds later, “Crest is the leading toothpaste, with all the key ingredients for a healthy mouth.”

Wait, what?

“Crest? Man, fuck that guy. He’s number one, woo!”

Does anything ever go right at that hospital? Are these all just the worst surgeons around? Why do people still go there, there’s like a 2% success rate, and half of those have some horrible thing happen anyway, like you don’t have colon cancer now but your eardrums were removed.

Also, why do people still watch that show?

MSNBC runs live all day, based off the eastern feed.

The Ed Show, Hardball, Countdown, Maddow, same time for everybody. This is how most news channels work, really, with repeats later on in the night. And that seems to work fine.

But the Olympics get a tape delay.

On a live network.

The Olympics that are happening right now in Vancouver will not be seen by west coast residents until 3 hours after the events are over on the network that runs everything else live.

What the fuck? Is this a secret plan to keep The Ed Show off of the west coast? Does LA not deserve Dylan Ratigan? The only effect of this delay is that shows which wouldn’t be pre-empted suddenly are, but only for half the country. If they kept to one feed, they’d be able to break in for news and events as needed, and they’d certainly not have to worry about repeating coverage to make up for the separation.

But to hell with that. Tape delay it. Show it live on the east coast, delayed on the west, they decided, for a reason absolutely nobody can figure out.

I’m starting to think NBC just wants to go bankrupt and get it over with, I really am. They’ve got a decent Thursday block, Chuck, Heroes, and Saturday Night Live. The rest of the time is a big festival of “No thanks.” Unless you’re the one person excited for The Marriage Ref or Who Do You Think You Are, then I guess NBC’s doing well.

Maybe NBC is just trying the Bush theory of promotion. You know, Michael Brown fucks up FEMA, gets a Medal of Freedom. Harriet Miers fires US attorneys out of political motivation and calls Bush “the most brilliant man she has ever met”, she gets sent up for a Supreme Court nomination. Jay Leno bombs on primetime but says how great NBC’s programming and sponsors are, gets sent to the Tonight Show.

I know I find a commercial series to hate daily, usually locals, but what is this crap Dentyne is pulling with the “friend request?”

It’s such an obvious grab at “the youth culture” as seen by a sixty year old “youth expert.”

I can’t help but even feel a bit patronized by the commercial. It features your standard awkward commercial male, a little geeky, fairly shy, who just goes around asking everyone “Friend request?” and passing them a piece of gum. Then narrating “accepted!” Because that’s how reality works. You see a random person, give them gum, and hey, friends! And at the end they’re all at a party together, even the people who didn’t take the gum! And like a smurf, every phrase the man speaks is replaced with “Friend request.” Bad breath? “Friend request please!” A date? “Friend request tonight?” Caught in bed with someone’s wife? “Friend request?” Sure, two are made up, but let’s see how long before they make it 100%.

Okay, maybe that IS how it works with some people, but we’ll get into my dislike of the concept of MySpace friends (random people you add to your list who you never have and never will meet or even email) later. For now, I’m sticking it to Dentyne’s terrible ad series. Because it doesn’t just end on TV, now there’s prevalent banner ads with hipster-approved drawings. With, of course, the “friend request?” caption.

For some reason ad companies seem to think co-opting some piece of popular culture, particularly when they don’t understand it, will get customers. The masses will say “they understand us!” and flock to the product. Because…you know, I can’t follow the logic here, even having worked in advertising.  If there’s one thing the kids hate, it’s their culture being abused by the squares, the old people, the grups!

I’d like to blame focus groups, because I know they’re hand-picked these days as the most easily malleable and receptive subjects, but did nobody see this ad, place their forehead and cheek firmly to the palm, and declare “uuuuugggghhhh”? Followed by someone near him saying “I know, right? Yeeeecchhh.” But instead, Dentyne continues to put money into an awful campaign. And they can go friend request themselves with this banality. It’s like…

Aw smurf. I get it, this appeals to Grey’s Anatomy fans doesn’t it? Anyone who still says “McDreamy” and “McSteamy” (by still I mean EVER said it without cringing) probably thinks this is just amazingly clever.

Is that show a hit still? I think it might be time to kill myself.

What’s the point?

If you’re not sure what I’m talking about, I mean hi-definition channels running standard-definition shows. This isn’t something like running SD shows from 1995, mind you, I mean recent shows which air, otherwise, in hi-def.

For example, TBS HD is airing My Name Is Earl. But they’re airing the 4:3 version at a stretched aspect ratio. The show is filmed in high definition, and aired in hi-def on NBC. Cartoon Network HD labels The Clone Wars as “Available in Hi-Definition”, and yet runs the show at a stretched 4:3 aspect. Same with The Venture Brothers, the third season at least, which is drawn in an HD ratio and is even on blu-ray.

It seems that Turner does this on all their channels that aren’t CNN, for some reason. TNT airs originals in HD, at least, but plenty of other shows are stretched and are fully headache inducing.

EVERYTHING on Cartoon network gets the treatment of stretched ratios. Okay, that may be wrong, there could be some of the CN:Real abomination not being stretched (exception for Destroy Build Destroy, which has the best title…ever). But right now, Ultimate Avengers 2 is on. Again, a movie mastered in 16:9, run in 4:3 stretch. To make it worse, CNHD doesn’t just stretch, they zoom. CNHD actually crops the top and bottom of any 4:3 show to an extent, in addition to stretching. This may apply to TBS HD, I haven’t checked because my brain is already swelling.

Okay, I checked. It does. They’re airing Men In Black right now, 4:3, stretched/cropped. What the fuck, y’all?

Why? Why not just preserve the ratio properly? People who want a stretched image are extremely rare, and most televisions have the option to stretch the image anyway. Why make your channel unwatchable by the majority of HDTV owners?

I don’t see why aspect ratios are so complicated, but local stations do apparently. In Phoenix, mind you, not Nowhere, Arkansas. Routinely, footage which is 16:9 is shown at 4:3 and vice versa. I’ve seen times when footage was formatted for 16:9, but was run through the program to process 4:3 for 16:9 ratios, compressing the image horizontally until it looked like a strip of paper. Or a 5×8 photograph, run the other way so that it fills the screen, ending in a 8×13 picture of one amazingly fat person. Alternately, a healthy looking Olsen twin or slightly less mega-chinned Heidi Montag.

Television and competence clearly don’t mix.

Local Fox News Affiliate reports that Philadelphia and New York have the most single women compared to men. And I quote, “Researchers believe this is because young women like to date attractive young men, but as they get older they become less concerned with appearance.”

And how does that statement apply to this story? Does it mean guys in Philly and New York are butt ugly? Does it mean women are moving there for hot guys, and there’s not enough to go around?

Does it apply at all, because the story made no mention of age, purely that there are more single women than men?

You tell me, Fox Affiliate. You tell me.

SilverSonic XL, one of many of the same product that works as a small overear audio amplifier (so, a hearing aid shaped like a bluetooth headset).

The ad asks the question “Do you wish you had sonic hearing?”

That is not a misquote.

Sonic hearing.

son·ic (snk)
adj.
1. Of or relating to audible sound: a sonic wave.
2. Having a speed approaching or being that of sound in air, about 1,220 kilometers (760 miles) per hour at sea level.
3. Slang Extremely exciting and fast-paced: a sonic lifestyle.

Do you wish you had hearing related to audible sounds? Do you wish your hearing had a speed approaching that of 1,220 KMPH? Do you consider hearing a lifestyle?

Unless you’re deaf, this commecial is selling you WHAT YOU ALREADY HAVE.

I wish I could make this angrier, but the only way to do that is start typing “DAMNIT DAMNIT FUCK” for several pages. I say typing because copy-pasting doesn’t release the fury I feel right now. So just envision R Lee Ermy neckpunching someone, and you’ll know how I feel.

Oh, and after, it says “The SilverSonic XL is discreet, so nobody will know you have sonic hearing!”

Why are there tons of writers, good ones, who can’t find jobs in advertising, but that idiot did? Also, why isn’t he currently being stabbed with a pen?

Remember when it used to be a channel with educational programming? They’d show operations, talk about history, medicine, all sorts of general knowledge.

What happened?

At any given point, TLC has become Lifetime 2, the sluttier, less informed little sister of the original. You know the one, the really cheery one who’s always pregnant and never stops gossiping, then says something REALLY stupid. At any given time (really, go ahead and check this yourself) TLC is running one of threefour things.(Edited because yep, somehow I’d left that at three. Thanks for the hate, MxMx)

Jon and Kate Plus 8
I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant
A Baby Story
Little People, Big World

You’ll also catch a ton of What Not To Wear and Say Yes To The Dress, or Wild Weddings. Plenty of Table for Twelve and Five under 5 too.

So what’s our common theme? Baby baby baby small people who we project child-like tendencies onto marriage marriage baby baby.

ONE of these shows has some educational value, and not much, but fashion is something one learns at least, so What Not To Wear has a mildly redeeming value if you put a gun to my head, but barely raises itself from the absolute ticking biological clock glurge of clown car vaginas and worn out uteri.

Protip:Most of these families are not good people. Especially Jon and Kate. It’s very clear the latter is a HORRIBLY controlling person, probably would be abusive if not for cameras, and just look at the hair. It screams “control freak.” I never knew hair could do that, but there it is. Well, that or “MASSIVELY BIPOLAR”, with the long on one side, short on the other, shaved in back. It’s a haircut that allows her just enough to look feminine, but the rest will do exactly what she wants and fuck you if you disobey while screaming “PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!”.

Okay, maybe that’s a little far, but I doubt it. And I digress.

Wait, nevermind, it’s not. UPDATE FOR THE LULZ from Us Weekly:

Kate Gosselin says her spiky bob hairstyle reflects her feisty personality. “It’s my attitude! Everybody wants it. It’s work,” she tells Entertainment Weekly. “I have very, very thick hair, so it’s not going to work for everybody,” she says. “I’ve seen people come through the book line with thin hair and it just won’t work. My hair stylist gets calls from all across the country.”

The Learning Channel sucks. I don’t want to watch horrible people who got famous for a lack of self-control and condoms all day, I don’t want to see catty fashion talk(if I did, I’d watch Ugly Betty). I want learning, not overpopulation.

TLC, either change your format back, or change your name to Lifetime 2. Your call, but you can’t keep the name and the programming, it’s false advertising.

I’m not generally one to get up in arms about American Idol, aside from the fact I say “Seriously?” once a year or so at the end.

So in fact I’m not at all surprised about the fact Adam Lambert is going to win American Idol, though I figured he’d be beating Allison at least in the finals (another bad call, America!). I mean, personally, I was down with Anoop, who had the best stage presence and vocal growth of anyone on the show, but she seemed like the obvious second.

I’m just surprised he got beyond the auditions at all, and I’m surprised just how popular he is beyond the screaming girls demographic (PS-He’s probably gay, what with the video of him kissing other guys, but hey, maybe just emosexual, because no self-respecting gay man should be caught looking like he does).

Now I always expect them to vote for David Cook or Sanjaya, I do. But Adam Lambert is inexplicably popular beyond them. And beyond middle aged housewives who loved Taylor Hicks and Clay Aiken.

I can’t figure out why.

Adam has performed the same thing every week. He’s never experimented with an arrangement. He’s never taken a risk, he’s never tested his range. He’s never sung with any emotion whatsoever, but he does always look like he’s going to cry. Never any other expression during a song, though.

With absolute consistency, Adam has sang in the same range every week, usually as close to the original arrangement as possible. He’s hit all the notes certainly, I won’t fault him for being a little pitchy, dog. He’s right on key. He’s robotically on key, even, as if during the song, his only thought is “am I on key?” It likely is. And then he ends the song with an extended high note. And that’s nice for him that he can sing in the Mariah Carey range, but even she doesn’t have to go there in every song.

But the bigger issue is the total lack of emotion. I know emo kids only feel when they cut themselves, but I thought they still expressed themselves badly via music. He doesn’t. Adam Lambert has the emotional impact of Celine Dion. Pretty words, pretty notes, but completely lacking any soul. The ultimate proof came when he covered Ring of Fire. Nobody would say Johnny Cash was famous for hitting tricky notes. Johnny Cash was great because his songs had real emotion and feeling behind them, and even Adam’s biggest fans thought it was a horrible performance. He hit all the notes, he stayed on key, he performed the song fine. But it was hollow, and for once, it was obvious to everyone.

And that’s how it always is. It’s a performance for Adam, a series of notes to sing. As long as they’re on pitch, it doesn’t matter to him, and sadly, it doesn’t matter to most of the audience. As long as he looks ready to cry and he struts, they’ll eat it up, even though it’s the same thing he sang last week.

When his album comes out, it’s going to end up sounding like one song with high notes every three minutes, but until people hear him without seeing him, they won’t figure it out. Nobody will ever be moved by anything he writes or sings, but it’ll all be very pretty and easy to listen to. Just like Celine Dion.

And he’ll make his money on awful ballads that suddenly end with huge notes at the end. Just like Celine Dion.

And he’ll marry the guy who’s twice his age and produced his records, writing annoying songs about him with him. Say it with me now…

Just like Celine Dion!

Annoying, isn’t it? I bet you didn’t even notice the TV in there. And that’s just visual, you can look away or change the page. Also, I doubt it’s so bad you have physical pain as a result.

But if it was audio, you’d have muted your speakers, yelled at the computer, and called me a jackass. It’s like when you swap from a normal webpage to a MySpace page, a sudden loud blast of something you don’t want to hear at any volume. That’s what’s going on constantly with the TV. Even the best volume normalizer, and many sets come with them now, can’t catch some of these jumps.

Given all the asinine regulations the FCC has put out, all the stupid decisions of the last year, and the fact you can’t say fuck, why can a cable company run a commercial at double the volume of what I’m watching? There are commercials that run at such an increase people actually have to yell over them. Of course, their ears adjust, so they turn the TV show up, then the commercials are louder, reaching the point of genuine damage to the ears.

I’m much less concerned about someone yelling “shit shit fuck shit fuck!” on Jerry Springer than someone that has actual effects on my life. It makes me yell “FUCK THAT’S LOUD, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?” first, then in 20 years,  I’ll never hear anything ever again. It’s always, of course, a really awful ad. Usually a local jingle that makes you want to stab your ears at very low volume, much less when it’s the only thing audible at the time, over dogs, friends, vacuums, and low-flying F-15s. And when it’s played so loud it echoes in your brain over the TV show, it borders on criminal. Mind rape.

Oh, and don’t think it’s not obvious who’s doing it intentionally. That’s right Cox Communications, we know. We know because the local commercials and commercials for your own services are always, ALWAYS double the volume of the DirecTV commercials. Only with more awful hipster music. It’s not coincidentally dissimilar bitrates, and I’m sure it works both ways.

Loud commercials are bad enough, loud commercials that try to be Apple are even worse. This was tolerable when it was just a few used car dealerships, but now it happens with every break.

Someone find me the name of the new head of the FCC. Forget net neutrality, I shouldn’t ever be forced to hear Her Space Holiday at high volume.