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I know they had this planned out a year in advance, at least, but hot on the heels of the fatal training accident…

Email me!

Zekedms@gamecurmudgeons.com gets you a coupon code, I have two to give out. Mail me with the funniest word you can think of, and the two that make me laugh hardest get the codes, which expire on November 1st.

But there clearly is one. I see them advertised constantly, people use them as a status symbol, and boy do I ever get a lot of spam for them.

They demand big time floorspace in retail outlets, and even favorite online retailers of mine occasionally just decide to sell a bunch of watches.

So…what’s the big deal? Do we all just have somewhere to be that urgently? I do understand the need to keep track of time, though there are clocks EVERYWHERE now. On TV, hooked up to the TV, on a cell phone, all over the public space. I don’t think people even wear watches to tell time now, I think they wear them to as fashion statements. Yes, it’s great that a Rolex winds itself by your motion, but would anyone care if another brand did the same and wasn’t called Rolex? Would you buy a Fauxlex if it was exactly as high quality, even the same materials, but a lesser price?

Most people wouldn’t. They’ll pay $2,000 for a watch that doesn’t particularly outperform others, it just looks relatively nice. Yes, relatively. Let’s face it, watches still look like watches, no matter how special they are. Or they’ll pay $500 for a replica that doesn’t work at all, but boy does it look just like the real thing.

Now don’t get me wrong. I appreciate craftsmanship. I appreciate all that goes into a watch. I just don’t think any watch should cost over $500 or you’re just trying to prove you’ve got the biggest balls. I can understand a stand-up clock of some sort being that much, even, a grandfather clock or a really artistic piece. But the most artistic watches are just $250 anyway.

You want to see a cool watch? Check these out. Unique, functional, and definitely eye-catching. But nothing is over $250. They’re still mostly jewelry, like any watch over $15, but at least they’re unique and a relative reasonable price.

But that’s exactly why you’ll never see them. They’re unique, they’re underpriced. Damn it, we like our status symbols to be easily recognized by brand, overpriced, and not that impressive the more you think about it.

You know, now that I say that, I’m a little surprised I don’t get “$tarbuck5 R3pl1c@ <up” spam.

I mean really, if your Gamertag requires xX<name>Xx, a number greater than 10 not including birth years or  (sadly) 69, or some horrible spelling mutation, get something else.

I’m talking to you iRoNiiQ. Or WildestDoubloon. Especially you, DaiperBag. All the DigBicks out there, overcompensating for personal shortcomings via the internet. Oh, and fuck everyone with [WEED], [W33D], [W₤₤D] or [BALZ] as a clan tag. Most underground players, people who have a Gamerscore of 10 (nothing against casuals, it just seems to signify people who had to get new accounts). Most of the people listed under the pro category too, in fact (I just logged onto a server, and the first thing I hear is “Motherfucker took my kill!” from SUPERTRUNK2, no surprise, a Pro player. It’s called TEAM deathmatch. That’s call an assist. It comes from TEAMWORK. And yes, he yelled and cussed whenever he died). It seems recreation and family are the non-asshole sections of Xbox Live. And the alternating caps crowd deserves a mention, I suppose. NaMeS lIkE tHiS.

It is horrifyingly common that the most mangled names belong to the biggest jackasses. Usually people who leave the mic on and mouthbreathe you (or worse, are playing the headset sound through their speakers leading to horrid feedback loops), but also whiners, yellers, and kids. Not just fourteen year olds, though most of them are annoying too; I mean actual fucking five year olds on Call of Duty 4.

Granted, we all know most people on Live, or any multiplayer affair, are stupid. I just think Live tends to be worst since you get the headset with the Xbox, and anonyity+audience=utter cockmonger. Or, if I might just repost a Penny-Arcade comic which has been known as a truth to most of us since 2002,

Sadly this doesn’t just stop at bad names, it goes to full asshat behavior. Mouthbreathing the microphone, feedback loops because you play too close to the TV, leave the mic constantly on, and have player speech coming through it, etc. Talkin’ about you, Kickedurdog. I’m talking about you. With Xbox Live, the weak link is clearly the scoring system. Who do you ever see without 5 stars? Even the biggest asshats always have them. Does Microsoft count negative ratings as 1/100th of a positive one? For reference, my recent players list has 43 people with 5 stars, one with 4.5, one with 3. The 3 star was a new guy with a bad name but okay otherwise (one of the many KingLeonidas out there), 4.5 newish, but okay. Four of the 43 were utter smacktards. Everyone complained about them being on the server. Yet, 5 stars. Do they all just have lots of upvoting friends, is the ratio just that bad? Does nobody avoid other players?

I’m just going to start a listing of idiots off the internet at http://www.livetards.com. Mic spammers, exploiters (how small is your dick* that you have to cheat at a multiplayer game where nothing will happen, ever, even if you’re the best in the world?), and general dipshits. These people would, for the most part, NEVER act like this in reality or they’d have been punched in the (likely small) dick* over and over until they could no longer reproduce. I’m not sure what suddenly makes it acceptable to be incredibly stupid in a way that affects others, but there you go. It’s like youtube comments yelled in your ear by 14 year olds who breathe very loudly. I really hope most of them are trolls and not actually that stupid.

But that’s why I’m going to start Livetards. And there, they shall be mocked.

*Substitute with clit as needed for female asshats. Or limp, for xFlaccidGrandpa.

“The unfortunately-desperately-trying-to-be-optimistic-misanthrope in me keeps wishing I will be proven wrong someday, but I always get burned in the end.”-Safa’dib.

I can’t think of a single thing this statement can’t be applied to, and I applaud her.

Normally I’d save this for my games site (Game Curmudgeons), but GOG.com has Beyond Good and Evil and  Prince of Persia:The Sands of Time for $9.99 together, or for $6.99 separately.

PoP was excellent, make no mistake there, but Beyond Good and Evil is among the all-time greats, with an excellent story, beautifully realized setting, and wonderfully rounded characters.

I’ll be taking a spin through BG&E today, and I’ll have a full review on Game Curmudgeons later. GOG has, as always, made the game XP/Vista(32/64) compatible, with no DRM and lots of bonus materials. Comes with the manual, artwork, wallpapers, and soundtrack!

Go, buy! It’s 10 well spent dollars. http://www.gog.com/en/page/ubiaction_promo/

<birth> <life> </birth> <childhood> <trauma> </childhood> <adolescence> <angst> </adolescence> <adulthood> <job> <relationship> <marriage> <baby> </job> <midlifecrisis> </marriage> </relationship> </midlifecrisis> </angst> </adulthood> </life> <coffin>

I don’t know who decided, back in the Geocities and Tripod days, that the best way to sell a mortgage refinance or insurance was with aliens and dancing silhouettes, but I want to travel back in time and punch him in the balls until he dies.

I suspect I’m not the only person who feels this way, since the economy has gotten bad enough these ads are showing up on respectable websites. I hate this person like I hate the people who invented pop-up ads. But not as much as pop-under ads.

They taste funny.

Like pool water.

Fuck you.

You lost.

What kind of jackass spends six months after an election in court, just to block the winner from taking his rightful seat in the senate and serving the people who elected him?

Oh, right, the kind who never actually cared about the people he was elected to represent.

Die in a fire,
Everyone.