I got opinions.

Everything about it is unforgivable. EVERYTHING. Misused malformed ellipses, random tildes like an AOL user’s screen name, and blinking size five red comic sans, truly the cardinal sins.

Also…window replacement spam? Really?

~~You could find..window replacement services..near you~~

After going to a small youth theatre show I’ve been reminded how much I fucking hate stage parents. I also hate most motherfuckers in theatres (live, in this case) because they don’t know how to act right, but stage parents are the worst of them.

Don’t call out your child’s name during the show. They’re not the only person in the cast, it’s not about them, and it’s a distraction to their performance, and everyone else’s. You also aren’t entitled to photograph the performance, with or without a flash, just because your child is in the show. Don’t get up and leave as soon as your child’s performance is over, that just proves you’re a self-centered asshole and probably only there to bask in your child’s reflected glory.

Let’s just go so far as to say don’t yell things out at all. Applaud, and applaud loudly as warranted. But shut the fuck up as you’re doing it.

Shut the fuck up during the performance especially and restrict speech to whispers during scene changes. If it’s anything musical, save your applause until a number is OVER rather than interrupting it.

Don’t start a last clap contest during scene changes just because you think it’s funny. It’s not cute, nobody’s laughing, we just think you and the other guy doing it with you on the other end of the theatre should be punched in the face and removed from the building. This applies to yelling “encore” after a show that isn’t a musical concert as well. What kind of encore is a play going to have? Are they tacking on an epilogue they write in the back? No? There isn’t any? Did you yell that for any reason besides needing attention? Fuck you.

So, here’s the problem I’m running into. All the true Christians go to Heaven during the Rapture. Wouldn’t the truly Christian thing be to stay behind and help your fellow man achieve salvation during the tribulations, or to at the very least ease his suffering as the Bible says you should? Sure it’s a little Boddhisatva, but I bet Jimmy Carter would stick around and build houses just the same. The people who want to be Raptured aren’t true Christians, and therefore wouldn’t get taken straight up to Heaven. Those who would be Raptured won’t be, because they’d choose to stay behind and be Christ-like, which is the essence of Christianity.

Ergo, even if there’s a Rapture, there won’t be a Rapture. That and there’s no biblical support for it whatsoever. You know, that too.

Why exactly is it everything Cox has OnDemand can’t fast forward? It’s not such a huge deal at the beginning of a show, but if you miss the last four minutes of an hour long show, it’s not on demand, it’s when they let you have it. It’s easier and faster to just pirate the damn show at that point, which I thought was what they were trying to avoid with this system.

When you DO try to do it, you get the “Enjoy this <network> program. FFWD is unavailable during this show.”

Fuck. You. If I want to skip ahead to where I was, I should get to. And don’t give me this condescending “enjoy” bullshit.

Cox Advanced TV-”Because we ignored the basics!”

Remember folks, when May 21st rolls around and people are freaking out about their imminent demise, we’ve been through this before. Some of us even ended up with yearbooks commemorating how hysterical certain segments of their high schools became.

So, Cena announced Bin Laden’s death duringa WWE pay-per-view special. I have two questions. Why not Undertaker? If because it would seem like a bit gone too far and lose the audience, which I could see, why the hell didn’t anyone call up Sergeant Slaughter?!

“use ur brain. keep ur body healthy. b drug free.”

So says hiv.drugabuse.gov, in a commercial that just linked getting high with catching THE AIDS.

Anyone typing “ur” as a word isn’t using their brain to begin with. Acceptable casualty.

May 1997 marked the launch of AOL Instant Messenger.

In 15 days it’s the 14 year anniversary. For 14 years the same complaint has been lodged. “Stop with the fucking window taking control of my monitor and keyboard, god damn it.”

14 years of gamers yelling when they lose because of a surprise message, 14 years of people accidentally sending something embarrassing to the wrong person because a new window came up. 14 years of “What asshole thought this was a good idea?”

I do believe that AOL hates us all. They’re America’s Sony.

“But the outlook not so good for an elderly woman after she was killed when her car was t-boned.”

Fox 10 news.

BRILLIANT.

On the crawl- “Democratic National Committee taps new chief- find out who it is by logging onto thelastword.msnbc.com.”

Ten minutes ago from the anchor’s mouth- “Florida Representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz was tapped by President Obama to replace Tim Kaine as DNC chair after his announcement that he intends to run for Virginia’s vacant Senator’s seat.”

You really can’t tease a story AFTER you run it, but good try, MSNBC?